


A moment in the life

by BillieBleu



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Comfort, Domestic, Fluff, M/M, Pure Love, anxious robbe, soft, sometimes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:21:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 62
Words: 33,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24429424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BillieBleu/pseuds/BillieBleu
Summary: Snapshots of small small moments in the life of Robbe and Sander as lockdown ends: Robbe and Sander enjoying the sun, Robbe and Sander tipsy as they leave the flatshare after drinks, Robbe teaching Sander how to skate, Robbe comforting Sander after a tiny injury, Sander comforting Robbe when he feels anxious about it all, Sander worried that Robbe won't like his new hair, Robbe comforting Sander when he gets frustrated with an assignment.(I've been posting these daily on tumblr for the past week or so. Might continue doing it.)
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 36
Kudos: 348





	1. THURSDAY 18:32

Maybe they’re outside right now. They found a spot away from the crowds of people thinking it’s summer vacation already. Sander is sitting and Robbe is lying down, his head on Sander’s lap. And Sander’s looking out at the water and Robbe is sometimes looking at the sky, sometimes closing his eyes, soaking in the sun, focusing on Sander’s hand in his hair. Thinking about a time so long ago when he sat in that spot and felt so absolutely lonely. And how now in the same place, he feels so absolutely loved and understood. And they’re not saying anything, but intermittently humming softly in quiet contentment.

Maybe.


	2. FRIDAY 22:24

Maybe tonight, Robbe and Sander are sitting on the floor of Robbe’s bedroom, watching something or other on Robbe’s computer. And Robbe isn’t really watching anyway, so he turns towards Sander and starts playing in his hair, stroking his forehead gently. Until suddenly, Sander’s contented hum turns into a painful inhale. Robbe stops immediately and looks worriedly at Sander.

“It’s nothing,” Sander reassures him with a shrug. “I was too focused looking for something earlier and bumped into the corner of my desk as I got up.”

“Silly boy,” Robbe says with a chuckle and a little push at Sander.

But Robbe’s smile doesn’t last long. He spends the next minute or 2 staring at Sander, thinking he can already see the beginning of a bruise, when Sander has gone back to watching the screen.

Just as Sander is about to ask for more caresses though, Robbe suddenly leaves a delicate kiss right where Sander got hurt.

“What are you doing?”

“Magic kiss. It takes the pain away.”

Sander’s jaw drops a little.

“You know, it really did hurt a lot,” he says after collecting himself. “I feel better now, thank you.”

“You’re very welcome, babe.”

“But you know,” Sander immediately adds, this time looking at Robbe with puppy eyes, “the other day, I also hurt my elbow while putting things away in the kitchen.”

“You did?”

Robbe takes hold of Sander’s arm delicately and kisses his elbow.

“And also, I fell and hurt my knee a while ago and it still hurts sometimes.”

“That’s terrible.”

And Robbe leaves a small small kiss on Sander’s knee.

“But really I feel like the pain in my forehead is spreading to the other side.”

Sander points at his right temple and Robbe moves around and crouches between his open legs to leave a feather-light kiss on Sander’s temple.

“And I think this part too should be protected from future harm.”

He points at his lips, and Robbe smiles.

“I’ll protect them,” he promises as he leans forward and kisses them softly.


	3. SATURDAY 23:03

Sander and Robbe just left the flatshare tonight after a few drinks. They’re more than a little tipsy, yet to decide which one is walking the other home.

They walk by the water, shoulders shaking with regular chuckles. They’re excited for nothing. For everything.

Sander starts a race. Robbe beats him easily. They kiss breathless, start again. Screaming, giggling.

Sander stops, offers his hand, Robbe takes it and they slow-dance to no music at all, laughing at themselves, at each other as they try hard to keep a serious face. Alone in the universe.

Sander is making his way from Robbe’s lips to his jaw to his neck with hungry kisses, starting to devise a plan for one of them to sleep over tonight. But Robbe takes a step back, interrupting him. Sander pouts at the audacity.

“You know what I would do,” Robbe starts, a mischievous flicker in his eyes, “if I was you right now. I mean, no: if you were me. No! I mean if -”

“What would you do?” Sander asks intrigued.

Robbe takes a few other steps back, turns around and hops on the low wall facing the water. He looks back one last time at Sander with a smile.

“I’M IN LOOOOOVE!” he suddenly shouts into the darkness.

He looks back at Sander with a giggle and Sander looks at him in disbelief, suddenly very thankful for alcohol, clearly the only reason in the world why their roles are so suddenly and completely exchanged. Robbe turns back to face the water.

“I’M IN LOOOVE! HIS NAME IS SANDER!” Robbe shouts again, before adding “I’M SO HAPPY I CAN’T BREATHE!”

“Silly boy,” Sander only says, shaking his head, as Robbe would normally do.

But Sander knows the warm feeling that’s spreading from his chest too well. As Robbe turns around to face him once more, sunny smile in the darkness, Sander knows he feels exactly the same and more. And the yearning he felt a minute ago, the fire under his skin lights back up.

Robbe hops down from his perch and makes his way towards Sander, heading in for a kiss. But Sander stops him.

“Not here,” he tells him.

“What? Why not?” Robbe asks, disappointed.

“I want a wall to press you against.”


	4. MONDAY 21:49

Maybe right now Robbe and Sander are sitting on a couch, vaguely watching a film. And they’re facing each other, legs extended, back leaning against the armrests. And Sander strokes Robbe’s leg softly.

“Robbe?” he calls shyly.

“What is it, my Love?”

“I’m desperately in love you.”

Robbe smiles. He can hear the yearning and the certainty in Sander’s words. He can almost see it - like star glow. When he answers, though, he chooses his words carefully.

“Oh babe, there’s nothing to be desperate about. Remember I gave you my love before you even asked for it.”


	5. TUESDAY 20:11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The song in question is Tennessee Whiskey by Chris Stapleton

Maybe tonight Robbe will take a break from studying and leave Sander’s room to take a breath of fresh air on the balcony - undoubtedly the best feature of the Driessens’ apartment these days. He’ll sigh, and rub his eyes, and try not to think of it all because it’s too much.

It’s only after a few shaky breaths that he starts to really notice everything around him, beyond the overwhelming global situation. He sees the sun low in the sky and leaves swaying in the breeze and the passers-by. And suddenly he can hear the birds in the trees, and something else.

These past few weeks, spending time at Sander’s, he’s come to realize that Sander is not the only one in the household with impeccable music tastes. Sander’s mom leaving music on in the background as she cooks or cleans or even sometimes when she works has unwittingly contributed to turning a new page in his musical education book.

And this song too, now coming from the kitchen, is new. Kind of country, but with a heartbreak to it that Robbe welcomes in this warm evening.

Just as he is about to feel lonely, Sander steps onto the balcony with a soft smile. He stops in front of Robbe without saying a word and, after a few seconds, extends his hand. Robbe takes it with a sad smile, and Sander pulls him closer to him. And now they’re slow-dancing in silence.

And suddenly this becomes just another late spring evening. And Robbe doesn’t remember where the ache in his chest came from.


	6. WEDNESDAY 17:34

Maybe right now Robbe and Sander are at the skate park.

“Hop on,” Robbe says, holding his skateboard steady on the ground with one foot, reaching out for Sander to grab hold of his hand.

“Nooo waaay!”

Sander shakes his head.

“Well well well! Who’s lost all sense of adventure now?” Robbe says with a smirk. “I must say I’m disappointed, Mr. Driessen. I’d taken you for more of an ‘all the way’ kind of guy...”

An hour ago Sander grabbed his camera, his jacket, and Robbe’s skateboard and jacket, and managed to convince Robbe - who still tries to limit his time outside - to go out for some fresh air. His plan was to watch Robbe skate around for a while and take a few pictures to add to his portfolio. Early evening light, movement, sport - something new for him.

Sander loved the obviousness of walking hand in hand. He saw Robbe’s anxiety but couldn’t help but relish how normal this life together felt to him, despite how extraordinary the circumstances actually are. He just hoped to be able to distract Robbe for at least a little while.

He doesn’t quite know how he ended up now facing Robbe who is encouraging him to step on the skateboard. And since Robbe just questioned his sense of adventure, he doesn’t really have a choice, does he? He clears his throat a couple of times and takes Robbe’s hand.

“Very well,” he finally says, with his 2 feet still firmly on the ground. “But I’m warning you, if I fall and somehow break my camera, you’re paying for it.”

“You won’t fall,” Robbe assures him, still smirking. “I’ve got you. And I’m never letting you go.”

Sander’s eyes open wide as Robbe uses his own words against him.

“Oh, I see how it is...”

Robbe gives him a bright, victorious smile, as he lifts one foot up.

“Wait!” Robbe interrupts at the last minute. “Let me take you camera for you, just to be safe... Not that you’re going to fall...”

Sander feels so nervous he can’t even tell if Robbe is still teasing him or not. He hands him his camera. Robbe puts it around his neck. And Sander stares for a second. Maybe 2. It looks good on him. Of course.

“Come on then!” Robbe encourages.

Sander realizes it’s one of those days when he absolutely cannot win against Robbe. He would let him take the upper hand any day anyways. And it’s all worth it anyways. Because it’s all only Love.

Finally, Sander grabs Robbe’s hand firmly and places an unsteady foot on the skateboard in the light of the setting sun.


	7. THURSDAY 17:58

Maybe this afternoon, Robbe and Sander are out in the city, checking out urban art.

And it’s true that Sander has been busy taking pictures for the last few minutes while Robbe is skating around a few meters away and trying to practice new tricks before joining him again. But their bond, the invisible thread that binds him to Sander and Sander to him, is so obvious to Robbe that he is surprised when he sees this girl starting to talk to Sander. She mustn’t have seen it. The strength of what connects them.

And Robbe discovers her discovering Sander. He sees the way she looks up at his perfect face and he can’t hear her but he guesses she says something about the artwork or his camera. Maybe asking him if he is a student or a professional. And maybe she’s just being friendly but there’s this thing in his chest. And she’s wearing a mask but he guesses she’s beautiful. She places a lock of her long hair behind her ear. And Robbe can see Sander smile through his own mask, can see his upper body shake softly with a chuckle, can almost see him blowing air through his nose.

And Robbe is making his way towards them before he even realizes. Not in a hurry or anything. Just casually. And just as casually, Sander says “hey, Love” with those soft eyes of his when he sees Robbe coming towards him. And Robbe can’t help but stop right next to him and wrap his arm around Sander’s and bury his head, his hair in Sander’s shoulder. And the girl doesn’t exist anymore. Robbe looks up at Sander and Sander leaves a kiss on his forehead through his mask. And maybe the girl says goodbye and leaves. But who knows? She probably never existed in Sander’s eyes anyways. Not really. And it never really crossed Robbe’s mind that she did. Robbe knows that Sander sees only him.

And for now Sander won’t say anything. He’ll wait a little before teasing Robbe for being a bit jealous and worried. And Robbe will always deny it all.


	8. FRIDAY 23:17

Maybe right now, Robbe and Sander are intertwined in bed. And Robbe can see the glow from the fairy lights tangled somewhere not far. He feels the weight of Sander above and under him, and it’s his favorite place, his safest space.

“What did you think of me the first time you saw me?” Sander asks at one point.

Robbe thinks about it for a moment, hesitant.

“I thought: that one, for sure, loves swimming naked in public pools in the middle of winter,” he finally says with a smirk.

Sander doesn’t lose his cool though.

“First of all, it wasn’t winter, it was autumn. Second, I had a plan. Third, no regrets, because it brought me you. Turns out you were someone who loves swimming naked in public pools in the cold too.”

Robbe chuckles and falls silent for a while before he starts speaking again:

“The more I think about it, the more I realize I would have followed you anywhere, my Love. I don’t know if it was gravity or destiny or just other versions of ourselves in other universes who had already found each other and were showing us the way with soft soft whispers, but the timing couldn’t have been more wrong - and more perfect. You were everything I didn’t expect or didn’t dare expect. And the more I discovered, the more I wanted it all.”

Sander doesn’t say anything.

“The truth is the first time I saw you I didn’t have time to formulate a thought,” Robbe continues. “I just followed you. Just like that day at the pool. And if our first kiss hadn’t happened that day it would have happened at some point anyways. Because my feelings for you were so clear. From the start! I had never been so sure of anything in my entire life. I barely know who I am. But I love you. And I’ll love you tomorrow too. And I’ve known that for a long time, I think.”

Sander is still silent. Robbe goes on.

“You’re still a mystery to me. And at the same time, I feel like I know you so well. This feels so familiar, and so right, and so new, and so safe. And just thinking about that makes me fall for you all over again. I didn’t know what to think of you the first time I saw you, and I think I still don’t. I have a thousand words for you, and none will do you justice. And I think that’s how I know - that I’ll be in love with you for a long long time. Is that weird?”

And Sander for once cannot come up with anything. Left speechless, he does the only thing he can think of to express his feelings to Robbe: he looks into his beautiful brown eyes, and kisses him slowly.


	9. SATURDAY 16:32

Maybe right now, Sander is about to leave Robbe to run some errands.

“Where are you going again?” Robbe asks, clinging to Sander’s tee-shirt with one hand.

“They opened the Academy again. Not for regular group classes, just for individual work and stuff. So I thought I’d go pick up some things I left there. And then I was going to go buy some supplies at the art store. Why? Do you want to meet up again after?”

Robbe doesn’t say anything at first. He’s never been or wanted to be one of those people who can’t do anything without their partner, who always need to go everywhere together. He actually likes that they each have their own lives, and likes meeting Sander after and when they tell each other about it. But after everything that’s happened these past few months, he has to admit he sometimes finds himself having trouble letting go of Sander.

“Can I come?” he finally asks, looking at the ground.

“What?” Sander is genuinely surprised. “Won’t you get bored at the art store and the Academy?”

“No... Not if it’s with you... I just - want to go where you go...”

Sander looks at Robbe now with a slightly worried frown on his face, running a hand through his brown hair softly.

“Sorry,” Robbe says.

“Don’t apologize,” Sander answers immediately. “I’d love that. Let’s go together. You’re right, we’ve been apart for so long these past few months. Let’s stay together.”

And Robbe promises to himself to try not to do it too often because he knows they both do need their space and time apart is healthy. But for now he can’t help the shy smile on his face as he looks at Sander wrapping an arm around him before placing a delicate kiss on his lips.


	10. SUNDAY 18:09

Maybe right now Robbe and Sander are on Sander’s bed after a lazy day of not doing much at all. Safe from the summer sun in the shadow of closed curtains. Sander is sitting, his back against the wall. And after long minutes sat facing him, lost in languid kisses, Robbe is now sitting relaxed, his back against Sander’s chest. And Robbe feels almost dizzy with kisses, and half asleep. So very comfortable in Sander’s arms. Thinking of nothing except Sander’s fingers now tracing soft soft patterns on his arms and neck and face. And their phones are off, as per their new Secret Sleepy Sundays rule. And the world is quiet.

“What if we could meet again for the first time?” Sander breaks the silence with a half whisper. “What would you do differently?”

Robbe thinks about it for a second.

“I guess, I wish I had met you before getting so involved with Noor. Maybe before the trip to the sea, so we could have spent time just the 2 of us for a while, before having to be together with all our friends. Maybe I would have liked to have more time with you, before seeing you with Britt and having her be in the background so much.”

“Mmh... I wish I had trusted you sooner, and let you into my life more fully. I wish I’d shown you my room and my home and maybe even my mom sooner. Maybe it would have been easier to talk about the rest.”

“That would have been nice. Afternoons at your place, you making croques and showing me your art. I can almost see it.”

“Well, in the end, we’re together now, and we're basically doing this all the time now so...”

“Yeah, and also, in the end, I think it was good to be aware of Britt from the very start, and not discover it like a bad surprise after spending time with you. No offense to her. And it was great getting to see you for an entire week as soon as we met. So no, I wouldn’t change anything... The timing was terrible and excellent anyways. And I loved you every minute of it all.”

Sander runs a hand through Robbe’s hair and Robbe turns his head for a soft kiss.

“And seeing you in the moonlight that very first time - that was perfect.”

“You know, you keep talking about the moon on that night, but I don’t remember seeing the sky at all when we were spray-painting the trucks. Actually I’ve been thinking about this, and I have a theory.”

“Oh you do! Do you?”

Robbe suddenly turns and moves away from Sander to sit cross-legged facing him.

“You ready?” he asks with an enthusiastic smile on his face.

“Let’s hear it!” Sander replies, curious.

“So I think, it wasn’t the moon shining down on me that night, like you said.” Robbe pauses. “It was you.”

And Robbe sees Sander’s face change from surprise to disagreement to pure love.

“Maybe I was just reflecting your light," Sander finally whispers, moving closer. "My sunshine..." His eyes move from Robbe’s eyes to his lips.

“You’re always glowing to me, babe,” Robbe murmurs back, before their mouths meet.


	11. MONDAY 15:32

Maybe this afternoon Robbe is at the flatshare where Milan invited him for coffee and catching up.

“You look good,” Zoë says as she joins them in the living room. “Is it the end of lockdown or being reunited with your other half?”

She is just teasing but Robbe - who, with their anniversary, has spent the last few days thinking about his relationship with Sander and what he means to him - can’t help but answer in all seriousness.

“Well,” his voice is still small - he is not looking to start a debate or make her feel bad or anything, “I hope I was - and still am - whole all by myself, you know. I don’t think Sander is my other half. He is just the person I choose to be whole next to. True, he helped me discover new sides to myself. I did find myself in some ways when I found him, even if that sounds sappy. But I am a whole person - a whole person that just happens to love him whole. And he himself is an entire person too, and more.”

Zoë doesn’t answer, but gives him a soft smile.

“Oh my! It’s true that I cannot see Sander as half a person! That boy is too many things!” Milan exclaims with a trace of a smirk, not only to agree with Robbe, but also to lighten the mood.

Robbe smiles too. He hadn’t really planned on saying all that, and suddenly hopes his former flatmate doesn’t take this the wrong way. So he goes on.

“And you’re right, Zoë: I am definitely relieved to be able to be next to him again. Being my own person doesn’t mean I didn’t miss him. So so much...”

“Awww, Robbe baby is in looove. You guys are so cheesy and adorable, I hate you,” Milan teases Robbe with a fond smile.

And Robbe lets himself be teased without a word. Because of course Milan is right. And he suddenly feels this urge to be with Sander again. And so, feeling so incredibly fortunate that he can actually do that, he takes out his phone to text him and make plans for later.


	12. TUESDAY 09:39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the new haircut.

Maybe right now Robbe is meeting up with Sander in front of Sander’s building. For no particular reason. Sander’s therapist has started receiving patients in person again and Robbe is going to walk Sander there. But really it’s just an excuse they can tell their respective moms to see each other. And really it’s just an excuse for Robbe to see Sander’s hair.

The city is still emptier than usual. Many people are still staying home. From the other side of the street Robbe realizes that the tall brunette standing on the sidewalk is actually Sander. He looks a bit nervous, keeps running a hand through his short short hair. And there’s a newness to him, that intrigues Robbe, but also a softness to him in his pale pale yellow tee-shirt, his meadow eyes, that makes Robbe smile the slightest smile. He looks like a wildflower. Oh no. Robbe had planned on teasing him first thing. It’s going to be harder than he thought.

He takes a breath and crosses the street. Sander sees him and gives him a shy smile. Robbe is a bit surprised to find his attitude so different from the cockiness he displayed on social media yesterday.

“Let me look at you,” Robbe tells him once he gets close to him, unable to prevent the fondness in his eyes.

“What do you think?” Sander asks, looking worried as he turns his head this way and that.

“I’m leaving,” Robbe finally declares, trying his hardest to look serious. “I’m sorry but I can’t date someone who looks like a baby squirrel.”

Sander lets out a hopeless “Ugh!” which puts an immediate stop to Robbe’s attempt at teasing.

“You hate it,” Sander mumbles sadly, lowering his head.

Now that Sander’s hair is actually within reach, Robbe takes a step closer and lets Sander nudge at him ever-so-softly, as he runs a hand through his boyfriend’s new hair for the very first time.

It’s smooth, silky one way, and oddly satisfying to stroke the wrong way. Robbe lowers his head to touch his nose to Sander’s hair. It smells nice and he closes his eyes, nuzzling very slowly into it.

“I love you,” he finally whispers, “and every hair on that perfect head of yours.”

“Do you still want me?” Sander suddenly asks, straightening up again, and looking at Robbe with puppy eyes.

Robbe rolls his eyes and shakes his head in fond exhasperation.

“Oh God. Yes, babe, I think I’ll still have sex with you, even though you ruthlessly chopped off your gorgeous locks, which by the way were the only reason I fell in love with you in the first place. It’ll be tough, but I’ll suck it up. Sorry I’m only telling you now about my bleached blond hair fetish.”

“You’re silly,” Sander mutters, pouting.

“You are too if you think there could ever be a universe in which I would not want your body on mine.”

The answer doesn’t seem to satisfy Sander completely but he still leans forward with a sad frown, waiting to be kissed.

Robbe strokes his face with the back of his hand with a smile, before running that same hand through his hair softly, whispering, “First kiss for the new you, my Love. The first of so very many,” and getting on his tippy-toes.


	13. WEDNESDAY 17:49

Maybe right now Robbe is cleaning up his room before Sander arrives. He’s been having trouble keeping his space tidy recently. And it hasn’t helped his stress levels.

And as he opens the window and puts clothes away in his closet and papers away in his desk drawers, he smiles to himself as it is now made obvious to him again how Sander is everywhere in this room, everywhere with him. Tee-shirts he stole with a pleading pout and that he sometimes sleeps with when feeling particularly lonely, sketches Sander gave him that he finds himself staring at instead of focusing on homework, pens he likes to use, notebooks he keeps safely away, a forgotten pair of socks, lists of films to watch, of music to listen to, love notes, capital ‘S’s drawn in school books. And even a couple of soft bleached blond hairs on his pillow case, reminding Robbe of Sander’s new look.

Robbe is brought back from his reverie by a knock on the front door. Sander. He runs to the door and lets him in, trying not look surprised still at Sander’s brown hair, even though he is still getting used to it. Sander smiles back at him and leaves a small kiss on his lips.

“Hi.”

“Hi. How are you feeling?” Robbe asks.

“I’m okay.”

They make their way to Robbe’s bedroom, Robbe clinging to Sander’s arm the entire time. Sander drops his bag nonchalantly on the floor and sits on the edge of the bed. He looks around, as Robbe stands facing him.

“You cleaned your room,” he notes with a soft smile. “Does it feel better?”

“A little, yeah, I guess. But mostly it feels better because you’re in it right now.”

“Awww,” Sander teases, reaching out for Robbe to come closer, perhaps sit on his lap.

And Robbe does come closer but instead of sitting, he just stands between Sander’s legs and starts running a delicate hand on his new buzz-cut hair, scratching softly in some places, or simply stroking, exploring, as Sander hums and closes his eyes under his touch. Robbe takes his time, discovering. Sander is still Sander, and his body is still perfection. And Robbe is pretty sure they still fit together like they used to. He’s just looking at him with new eyes, getting used to how gorgeous he looks in an entirely new way. Although really, he knows he already loves it. The feeling of Sander’s short short hair under his fingers.

“So, what’s your verdict now? Now that you’re seeing it for the second time...”

“You know,” Robbe answers, “I used to have long hair... and I chopped it all off one day like you did, even shorter.”

“I know, I’ve seen the pictures.”

“Insta-stalker,” Robbe teases.

“I prefer the term ‘dedicated lover’.”

“Well, this kind of makes me want to do it again.”

“What?” Sander seems confused.

“I mean, my hair is getting long. I do need a haircut...”

“Don’t you dare!” Sander exclaims, looking up at Robbe with wide eyes. “Don’t you fucking dare!”

“What? Why not?”

Sander strokes Robbe’s arm, his chest, his neck softly. He starts again, calmer this time:

“You know I’ll love you with short hair - a face tattoo - purple lenses - a nose ring - or anything else you’d want to do. But - you’re just so beautiful right now, right as you are...”

And Robbe leans forward and Sander cranes his neck and they kiss. Eyes closed, Robbe almost falling softly onto Sander. And they kiss again. And again.

“You know what I want right now?” Sander whispers then, with a trace of a smirk.

“What do you want right now, Mr. Driessen?”

“Sex with you, Robbe Izjermans,” he answers matter-of-factly. “If you want,” he adds.

“Sander!” Robbe exclaims with a chuckle. “My Mom is in the other room right now!”

“Oh ok,” Sander looks down, disappointed.

Robbe smiles, melting a little.

“Should we just make out for the rest of the day, then?” Sander asks shyly, looking up at him again.

“Absolutely.”

And Robbe straddles Sander’s lap as they start kissing again, and soon they let themselves fall onto Robbe’s freshly-made bed for another late afternoon of cuddles and kisses. Heaven.


	14. THURSDAY 18:07

Maybe this evening, Robbe is in Sander’s bedroom, and they’re both supposed to be working. But the light outside is cold and gray and just makes you want to wrap yourself up in a blanket and snuggle close to someone as you wait to see the sun again.

Not today though, as they both have work to do. They’re sitting turning their backs to each other - their resolution to try and be more efficient, or else it would be too easy to get distracted by the other. Robbe is at Sander’s desk, facing the wall. Sander is at his easel, facing the opposite wall in the corner of the room.

Robbe has trouble focusing and finding energy. He feels both tired and restless. He keeps reading the same paragraph in his book, again and again, without understanding it or even knowing what it’s about.

Annoyed at himself for not being able to do this one simple thing, he turns around to look at Sander. Sander is hunched over his sketchbook, and Robbe loses himself for a second in the line of his neck, his frail arms, his body floating in a gigantic tee-shirt, his brown hair Robbe wants to run a hand through. Robbe smiles a little at the thought.

Just as he is about to try and get back to work, Robbe realizes that Sander actually doesn’t seem to be just working quietly. He hasn’t said anything but there is something about his demeanor that catches Robbe’s attention. Looking at him more closely, Robbe suddenly notices harsh hand movements on the page, and a certain agitation in his limbs. He waits a second to see if Sander calms down, then decides to call out his name. Right at that moment, Sander lets out a frustrated “Aaaaah!” and throws his sketchbook and pencil to the floor.

“You okay there, babe?” Robbe asks softly, wondering if he should be worried.

Sander turns to face him, looking more defeated than angry.

“Sorry, yeah, I - it just - I can’t!” he admits sadly. “It just won’t come out right.”

“Babe...”

“I don’t know what’s with today. Nothing I work on is turning out the way it should.”

“Sander, that happens. It’s completely normal. Some days, things just won’t cooperate.”

“Yeah, but -”

“It’s nothing to worry about.”

Sander rubs his eyes. He looks tired and, although Robbe hates to see it, a bit crushed. It makes him forget immediately about his own worry and fatigue, and focus entirely on Sander.

“You just need a break,” Robbe assures him. “And if that’s not enough, you’ll just try again tonight. If that doesn’t work, you’ll try again tomorrow.”

Robbe gets up decidedly, walks the few steps to join Sander and extends a hand towards him.

“Come on, Love. Come with me.”

Sander takes his hand with a sigh and follows him, clinging on to his arm and resting his head on Robbe’s shoulder, dragging his feet all the way into the kitchen.

“Sit here,” Robbe tells him.

And Sander sits on the counter without a word. Robbe looks in the fridge and then a few cupboards for snacks and something warm to drink. After taking a look outside and seeing the dark, heavy clouds in the sky, he ends up boiling water for some tea, and as it does, places a few speculoos biscuits on a plate. After that, he sets his phone on the kitchen table and Sander soon hears the first few notes of Aurora’s version of “Nature Boy” coming from the phone.

Robbe chose it because it feels like the perfect song for today. There is no need to force cheerful music on a gray day. Melancholy can be beautiful and just as welcome. He hums in tune as he pours the boiling water into cups, and adds in the tea bag, and a splash of milk, with Sander’s eyes following him around the kitchen, a trace of a sad smile on his lips.

When Robbe has finished, as he is about to just lean against the table and wait for the tea to brew, Sander reaches out. An invitation. Robbe smiles a fond smile, goes to him in a few swift steps, and immediately presses his lips to Sander’s softly. And relief washes over the both of them. Robbe lets out a small noise, as he places one hand on each side of Sander and Sander wraps his arms around him. They do not say anything for a few second, but just kiss quietly.

“A little shy, and sad of eye, but very wise, was he,” Robbe then sings in soft whispers with the music, breaking the silence, leaning back a bit to look at Sander. “Feel better, sweet angel. I’m right here.”

And Sander’s eyes open wide as he whispers back “you are. You’re my love - my lover,” almost surprised, and yet certain at the same time.

And Sander presses himself closer to Robbe again, and Robbe wraps his arms around him in a tight embrace. And Sander closes his eyes and buries his face in Robbe’s neck and shoulder. Safe.


	15. FRIDAY 23:23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toe-curling yearning. Inspired by "Gimme All Your Love" by Alabama Shakes.

Maybe tonight Robbe and Sander are at Noor’s. She called Sander earlier in the week to ask him. And now Robbe is on the couch next to Noor and Sander is on the floor on the other side of the coffee table, talking to one of their friends from the Academy.

Noor put scarves on the lampshades and the light in the room is warm and soft. There are many people that Robbe doesn’t know. The accumulating beer bottles on the table look like a carefully thought-out sculpture of translucent green. Everybody seems so interesting, and the alcohol helps Robbe forget his shyness.

He talks to Noor and talks to some of the other people from their school and now he is getting a bit dizzy, not from the beer, not only, but from the piled-up noises of all the different conversations going on around him on top of the music coming from Noor’s speaker. And he could fight it. Or let himself float in it all. He chooses the second for a moment. Eyes open eyes closed. An uncertain smile on his face. He feels himself dissolve a little on the couch and looks for a topic or a person to catch on to.

As he tries to collect himself, he chooses to listen in on Sander’s conversation. And he still feels the thump of bass in his ears, but he also feels the invisible thread that binds him to Sander, and that grounds him. Soon however, the words do not register in his mind anymore. And it’s not just the beer or the sensory overload anymore. It’s just himself looking at Sander. And losing himself.

Being further away from him surrounded by people talking to other people in the semi-darkness gives him leisure to watch and explore. And it reminds him of the morning they met - when he knew he’d never get tired of looking at him - and it’s different because there’s something creeping inside of him that he would never have realized then.

Robbe loves watching Sander exist with others. The passion in his gestures. His voice. His laugh. But soon the context gets blurry and his self comes in full focus. In this light his skin is glowing. His green eyes seem very clear. And as Robbe lets his eyes linger on the line of his neck and the shape of his jaw, the red of his lips and that damn hair of his, he doesn’t even realize it when he brings his own fingers to his mouth. He shifts in his seat before taking sudden notice of the warmth burning in the heart of him. Thrumming with the music.

He grabs another beer on the table and presses his fingers to his forehead, seeking a semblance of countenance. Trying to focus on the voice of the singer, and the girl now talking to him, and to ignore the feeling rising inside of him like a flame, even when really he knows that that feeling has been there for hours, if not days. A restlessness. A sweet ache.

He tries to ignore it, but he can’t help looking, and he can’t help playing with the golden chain around his neck absentmindedly. And Sander turns to him suddenly, and shoots him an interrogating look. And Robbe without thinking, automatically smiles a reassuring smile. But when Sander raises his bottle in his direction, cheering silently before taking a sip, Robbe’s eyes move slowly from his eyes to his lips to the rest of him and back to his lips, before he finally raises his bottle too and takes a sip.

And Noor tells him something or other and he answers something or other. And suddenly someone puts on something 80s and pop-rock and dance-y, and tells Sander he just has to dance. And the rational side of Robbe that is still managing to function knows this will be the end of him. Sander reaches out and brushes a hand against Robbe’s leg before letting himself be brought a little further away from the table where there is some space to dance. And Robbe’s whole body is on fire. His mouth drops open as he watches Sander close his eyes and start moving in rhythm, his head swaying from side to side. And he doesn’t feel himself clenching his legs and he doesn’t see Noor looking at him with a smirk. He doesn’t see the ridiculous smile on his face. He takes another sip of his beer. And when Sander turns to him and gestures with his head for Robbe to join him, Robbe can only shake his head, and it’s partly a ‘no’ and partly disbelief. Because how is this real, how is this his, and when can he get it all, all over him? How soon? He bites on his lower lip.

When the song changes he knows he needs to leave, or else he might implode. He asks Noor for the direction of the bathroom but ends up walking into the first bedroom he finds. He doesn’t switch on the light. He walks to the window and opens it. It’s dark and the air is cold, and he takes a breath. He looks out at the orange glow of the streetlights reflecting on the pavement, wet with rain, and everything is Sander. He focuses on the fresh air on his face and closes his eyes. He is glad to find that nothing exists for a while. He is glad to be away from the noise and the light and the people, the music drowned out by the closed door. He finds his way back to himself for a second. He realizes that this is nice and that he has absolutely no desire to be here. It’s too much from others and too little from Sander. He finds himself longing for a dark, quiet place away from here.

And then there’s a knock on the door and Sander’s head pops in and in that split second Robbe’s heart skips a beat again and he feels his skin tingle. Everywhere.

“There you are!” Sander says softly as he peers into the room and recognizes his boyfriend in the darkness.

He lets himself inside the room, and Robbe hears a new song playing, and he lowers his eyes.

“You okay?” Sander asks.

Robbe shakes his head again. It’s partly a ‘no’ and partly disbelief. Because how is this real, how is this his, and when can he get it all, all over him? How soon?

“Don’t talk to me,” he says, still looking at the ground, still trying to get it together.

“Robbe...”

“Don’t say my name.”

Still trying not to melt in the fire of him. Not here.

“What -”

And Sander is confused. He switches on the light.

“This is so stupid...” Robbe starts.

When he looks up, he knows his eyes are dark with a want he doesn’t know how to name. And Sander sees it and switches off the light again immediately and takes two long strides to join him in the middle of the room. And Robbe doesn’t have to say anything before Sander presses their lips together, and Robbe’s toes curl inside his shoes, and a small noise escapes his lips with relief and the need for more.

“I want you...” Robbe lets out between kisses.

And Sander could say “I want you, always” or “you should have said something” or “there’s nothing wrong with that,” but instead answers by wrapping his arms around Robbe’s neck, his kisses becoming more urgent. And the music changes again, this time much louder, and there’s an immediate softness to it and a roughness to it that echoes in their lives and their bodies right this instant. A liquid yearning in the guitar and a voice that’s so beautiful and heartbreaking and sensual and so true it distracts them and stops them in their tracks.

“Can you hear that?” Sander whispers.

“What is that?”

“I don’t know...”

And Sander’s mouth curls into a mischievous smile and he bites his bottom lip softly, but as he lowers his head for another kiss Robbe musters all the strength he has left to push against his chest softly and stop him.

“I - I need a wall for you to press me against,” Robbe tells him.

And Sander’s eyes widen in the darkness, as if to say “you’re gonna be the death of me.”

Instead, he musters the last remnants of his cool to whisper back: “Your wish is my command.”

Immediately, he takes Robbe’s hand and guides him out, and Robbe is there but not really as they gather their things and take leave of Noor and the rest. He doesn’t even know if Sander apologizes for not staying longer.

As they’re about to go through the door, he vaguely hears the girl with the short purple hair tell them “happy pride, baby birds” with a kind smile.

As soon as they get into the elevator, he forgets everything though and his lips are on Sander’s again and he’s clinging to him, fingers and nails.


	16. SATURDAY 10:32

Maybe right now Robbe is opening his eyes - just slightly - for the first time today. And he winces a bit at the light of the sun, unexpected after 3 days of rain. Waking up to this makes him happy. And as he tries to move, just to turn around and check what time it is, he realizes the whole of him is actually wrapped around Sander. And that makes him happier still.

He forgets about checking his phone. He mentally thanks his past self for texting his mom yesterday night that he’d be staying at Sander’s so that she doesn’t worry. He’ll text her again. But later. Right now he gets busy discovering his physical self again.

He raises his head a little bit to find himself and Sander intertwined and it makes him chuckle softly: he is on his left side and Sander on his back; his right leg is covering Sander’s; his left arm is trapped under Sander’s shoulder and his pillow; Sander’s right arm is clinging on to his own right arm and hand, keeping them across his stomach. It’s uncomfortable and perfect. The feeling of as much of his naked skin as possible touching as much of Sander’s naked skin as possible is the best feeling in the entire world.

He lowers his head back onto the bed, tucking it against Sander’s shoulder. As he does that, Sander tightens his grip around Robbe’s arm, which makes him chuckle again.

“I love you,” Sander mumbles drowsily, eyes still close, “but how are you even awake right now?”

“Hey, you’re awake too!” Robbe exclaims softly.

“Only because you woke me...”

“I didn’t do anything!” Robbe is half-offended, but cannot be for long, not right now. “I just wanted to enjoy this...” he adds in a whisper against Sander’s skin.

“Mmmh...”

Robbe leaves a kiss on Sander’s shoulder. And then a second, and a third, longer this time.

“Mmmh... this is nice,” Sander mumbles with a smile, stirring and stretching now.

Robbe goes on, leaving traces of kisses along the line of his neck that make Sander giggle and open his eyes finally. As Robbe continues on his journey exploring Sander’s skin, Sander suddenly turns to face him. Robbe now has his right arm around Sander’s waist, but no access to his neck anymore.

“Are you asking for something, my Love?” Sander asks, looking into Robbe’s eyes. “What is it that you want?”

Robbe likes how Sander always speaks his desire openly, and how he sometimes nudges him to do the same. Not that he would have needed much encouragement this morning. He looks at Sander with a trace of a smirk.

“I just want more,” he tells Sander.

“More, my Love?” Sander repeats, stretching an arm into the air, pretend absentmindedly. “Again?” he adds, smirking now.

“Yes,” Robbe says, certain.

Right at that moment they hear something falling in the kitchen and Sander’s Mom cursing. And it’s like a punch in their stomachs, bringing them both back down to earth.

“Uuugh!” Sander exclaims, throwing his head back dramatically.

Robbe rolls his eyes and tucks his 2 hands under his head for a pillow, now that anything else is off the table.

“Well, I guess that’s that,” he says, not sure if he should shake his head disapprovingly or laugh at the whole thing.

Sander pouts.

“This is unbearable.”

“Yeah...” Robbe agrees. “We really need a hotel room. Huge bed, no one to disturb us...”

The good thing is though that they can still go back to waking up slowly together, and it’ll be perfect all the same.


	17. SUNDAY 12:08

Maybe right now Robbe is surprised to find his boyfriend in his kitchen, cooking and humming along to the music coming out of his phone set on the counter.

“Sander?”

Sander, who was focused on the cucumber he was cutting, raises his head and smiles the brightest smile.

“Your mom let me in,” he explains, focusing back on the cutting board.

“And so now you are...?”

“I’m making lunch for the three of us,” he announces matter-of-factly.

Robbe now notices that the table is set. There’s baguette and what looks like lemonade in a pitcher and a huge bowl that Sander is apparently slowly filling up with lettuce and tomatoes and onion and raddish. He smiles, and shakes his head a little. How on earth did he get this lucky? His parallel selves must have been real good for this to be his life.

“Where is she now?” he asks, checking on his mom, but also checking if she could come in any minute. Or not.

“She just went out to get us something for dessert. She’ll probably be back soon,” Sander tells him. “Aren’t you happy to see me?”

Robbe now relaxes completely.

“I’m always happy to see you,” he whispers with a smile as he steps closer and leans in for a kiss.

But instead of Sander’s lips, he finds himself faced with a tablespoonful of food.

“Try this,” Sander tells him.

Robbe pouts, disappointed at not getting a kiss, but he takes a bite of the omelette nonetheless.

“So?” Sander asks expectantly.

“It’s good,” he confirms.

“Yeah?”

Robbe nods, amused at Sander for being always worried about little things. Always seeking perfection in the details.

“I put a ton of good veggies,” Sander explains. “And some sour cream! We can’t forget about the sour cream...”

With his left hand, Robbe takes the spoon out of Sander’s hand and places it back on the pan on the stove. With his right hand, he hangs on to Sander’s neck as he stands on his tippy-toes to place a kiss on his lips. Finally.

Relief washes over him as their mouths touch and he starts pressing himself closer to Sander. His mom is out. They’ll hear her when she comes in. So they can keep making out for a little while at least. Robbe wraps his left arm around Sander’s neck and lets his kisses slowly become more enthusiastic, more urgent, until Sander suddenly interrupts them. He takes a step back to Robbe’s surprise.

“That song, though!” Sander says with an excited look on his face, before Robbe can ask what’s going on.

He raises the volume on his phone.

“What is that?” Robbe asks.

Sander shows him his phone: “Come Alive” by Madonna.

“Seriously?” Robbe asks in disbelief.

Sander looks at him with a confused frown, dancing a little to the tune already.

“You, of all people, listen to that shit?”

“What?”

“You!” Robbe repeats in disbelief. “Mister ‘I have posh tastes about every single form of art in existence’ listens to fucking Madonna!”

“Excuse me,” Sander answers, half offended, but also still busy dancing, his head swaying a little from side to side, “but Madonna was part of the underground art world in New York in the 80s. She hung out with Jean Michel Basquiat - she was friends with Bowie!”

Robbe shakes his head, as Sander mouthes the words to the song silently.

“And I’m just - particular in what I like!” Sander adds, as an offended after-thought. “I don’t have posh tastes...”

Robbe nods skeptically and takes a step towards him. He wraps his arms around Sander’s neck again as Sander keeps dancing.

“Oh you’re the love of my life, babe, but you do. You really really do,” Robbe tells him with a chuckle.

“Oh, so I’m the love of your life?” Sander asks with a smirk, wrapping his arms around Robbe’s waist to dance with him.

“That’s right,” Robbe confirms in a whisper, without the smallest trace of a doubt, his eyes focused on Sander’s lips.

And so their mouths meet, and they dance, and they smile mischievous smiles as they hold each other very close, as Sander keeps singing the words between messy kisses, as Robbe follows him, letting his body move in rhythm with Sander’s. Right here in the small kitchen with the white tiles, with the pale light of the sun and the abandonned veggies on the cluttered counter.

“See?” Sander whispers in Robbe’s ear as the tune comes to an end a couple of minutes later. “This song is magic.”

And now they hear a key turning in the front door.


	18. MONDAY 7:58

Maybe this morning, Robbe is waking up with the cold light of a gray, cloudy sky. He takes a deep breath and stretches and the first thing he thinks about is Sander. He turns around to lie on his back, and looking up at the ceiling, he remembers 6 months ago and feels his chest tightening.

He’d been so heartbroken and then so hopeful and then so worried. Sleepless nights and even worse days. But nothing like the confusion he’d felt a month earlier. This time it was the certainty of his love for Sander that was making it unbearable.

They’ve come a long way. Robbe promised himself to trust Sander, and hopes Sander knows he can trust him. He hopes he can love him the way Sander needs to be loved. Share his joys, be with him in the dark, hold him, help him when he gets scared.

He grabs his phone from the bedside table. He finds his conversation with Sander, presses on the microphone icon, and brings his phone closer to his face:

“Good morning, my Love. I hope you slept well. I just wanted to tell you - in case it’s not - in case it hasn’t always been clear - I’m so happy you found me - on that night, spray-painting, and on that morning at the beach, and that day I fought with Noor, and that evening you came to the flatshare, and at the hotel with your ridiculous costume. I’m so happy. With you. And I can’t wait for the next time I can wake up with you in my arms... Ok, that’s- that’s all I wanted to say. Have a great day. You can call me later, if you want. I love you.”


	19. TUESDAY 16:07

Maybe right now Robbe is at his desk. Struggling with something for school. And he hears his bedroom door open and Sander’s voice.

“Your mom let me in.”

“She’s been doing that a lot,” he says with a small smile, but barely raising his head to look at him. “Sorry, I just want to finish this stupid thing. Be there in a second, babe.”

“Take all the time you need,” Sander answers with a mischievous smile that Robbe doesn’t see.

Sander takes off his jacket, drops his bag on the floor casually, and sits in the middle of Robbe’s bed, legs wide open, one hand on the cover behind him for balance. He waits patiently for Robbe to finish. Just looking at him.

Finally, Robbe closes his book with a sigh, leaves his pen on his desk, and turns in his chair. The first thing he sees his boyfriend, sat comfortably on his bed with a satisfied smile on his face. The second is a bunch of sunflowers delicately laid next to him.

Robbe has a hesitant chuckle. It reminds him of that time Sander started planning their wedding as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. And how he was surprised to realize that Sander was completely right. It was obvious, but also so unexpected.

“You got me flowers?” Robbe asks softly, with a bright smile and a confused frown on his face.

“Of course,” Sander says, not smiling anymore, but suddenly shrugging as if this was the most trivial and normal thing in the world. “They reminded me of you.”

Robbe’s smile gets impossibly wider. Before he knows it, he is up and making his way towards Sander, crawling onto the bed to sit between Sander’s legs.

“Hi,” he whispers, smiling still, very close to Sander’s face.

“Hi,” Sander answers, smiling too.

Robbe shifts to bring his legs on each side of Sander. He reaches out and traces Sander features with his fingertips delicately, whispering ‘thank you’, looking at the details of his face, wondering how he can be so loved, until Sander brings their lips together, and he forgets to breathe, and closes his eyes, and presses himself against him.

Sander suddenly starts peppering small small kisses all over his jaw and cheeks and forehead, while feeling around next to him to grab one sunflower. Robbe chuckles, eyes closed and scrunched up nose. Sander moves his head back and brings the flower closer to Robbe’s face, letting the petals caress Robbe’s cheeks and jaw softly.

“See, it even looks like you.”

Robbe smiles.

“You know, nobody’s ever bought me flowers before,” he says, looking into Sander’s eyes, fondly.

“This is for yesterday,” Sander admits, looking down, putting the flower back. “Waking up to your voice, to everything you said - it was the best feeling. Thank you.”

Robbe runs a hand in Sander’s hair softly, softly encouraging Sander to look up again and into his eyes.

“You’re welcome,” he says under his breath. “I meant every word.”

Sander smiles a small smile.

“I’m happy too. With you,” he whispers, before hugging Robbe tightly. “I’m so so happy...”

They stay intertwined on Robbe’s bed for a few minutes.

“Sander?” Robbe finally breaks the silence, but without breaking the hug.

“Mmmh? Are you alright, my Love?” Sander asks against his shoulder.

“Yes,” Robbe answers in a small voice.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m just - a little hungry,” Robbe admits shyly.

Sander breaks the hug with a fond smile.

“How about I make us some French toast?”

Robbe nods. They both move away from each other and Sander takes Robbe’s hand to lead him to the kitchen. And Robbe follows - leaving a small kiss on Sander’s shoulder on the way.


	20. WEDNESDAY 21:57

Maybe right now Robbe is on his bed, curled up in the corner. He likes the feeling of the walls supporting him. He likes the semi-darkness in his bedroom this evening and the fairy lights above his head - a gift from Zoë. It helps with the beginning of a headache that’s just come with the rain outside.

Music is playing very low from the speaker on his desk.

He is wearing a beige sweater that is too big for him, that does not belong to him. The sleeves are rolled up neatly, so that he can use his hands. And if you asked him how it ended up in his room when Sander himself is not, he’d say he doesn’t remember, and feign innocence.

Maybe he rubs his eyes with a tired sigh, maybe he reaches for his phone, looks for his conversation with Sander, and decides to video-call him. As the tone rings, he sets the phone down on his bed, absent-mindedly brushes his dark green pants with the back of one hand, and runs his other hand through his hair.

He grabs his phone again as Sander picks up.

“Hello there, cutie.”

Sander is already smiling when his face appears on Robbe’s phone screen, and Robbe’s worries start melting away a little.

“Hi,” he answers with an attempt at a smile. “How was your day?”

“It was okay. I was quite productive, actually.”

“You were? That’s great.”

“How about you, my Love?”

“I’m fine,” Robbe answers without even thinking, without meaning.

Sander doesn’t seem convinced. He has a concerned look on his face.

“Are you sure? You look -” he catches himself before finishing his sentence, and tries another direction: “- like you could use a hug,” he finishes with a sigh.

“I’m okay,” Robbe repeats under his breath. “My Mama’s had a rough day is all,” he adds with a look of defeat in his eyes.

“Oh, Robbe...”

They don’t say anything for a few seconds. Robbe shakes his head softly.

“Do you want me to come over?” Sander asks.

“No... Don’t worry, it’s fine,” Robbe starts saying. “I mean it’s not, but it’s - it happens, and she’s asleep now. She’ll be better tomorrow. Hopefully.”

He’s rubbing his right eye and temple and cheek, as if it could help with the headache. It doesn’t. It just hides half his face from Sander, who still looks worried.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you...” he says when he sees Sander looking at him. “I’m glad today is over. I’ll probably go to sleep soon. I just have this headache. I think it’s the rain.”

He takes a look outside his window, as Sander tells him something about making herbal tea, but there’s just darkness. When he looks back at his screen, Sander’s eyes look sad. Robbe tries to adopt a more cheerful tone when he speaks next.

“Don’t look at me like that, baby,” he tells Sander. “This is just a thing. And it’s just today. I mean it’s not. But it is. It’s going to be okay. I know.”

Sander doesn’t say anything for a while.

“You’d tell me if you needed me or if you needed... something - anything, though, right?” he asks.

“Well, I just called you, didn’t I?” Robbe answers with a soft smile.

“You did... I just feel like I’m not helping.”

“You are, babe... Trust me.”

Sander looks at Robbe for a second. Robbe looks more at ease now. He is tugging a little at the sweater collar with his left hand - something he does often. And Sander smiles at that, before tilting his head a bit.

“Hey!” he exclaims. “I know this sweater!”

“Oh.”

Sander chuckles.

“It’s fine. It looks good on you.”

“Thanks,” Robbe says hiding his nose, his mouth inside the collar, breathing in.

“You can keep it if you want.”

“No!” Robbe can’t help but let out. “I mean,” he starts again, more calmly, “I like seeing it on you.”

“Then why did you keep it?!”

“It’s just - if I keep it too long, it won’t smell like you anymore...”

“Oh.”

Sander smiles.

“I love you, Robin. So very much.”

“I love you too.”

They both let out a sigh of relief.

“Let me take you for a walk tomorrow,” Sander then suggests.

“A walk where?” Robbe asks shyly.

“You’ll see! In nature. It’ll do you good. We’ll get out of here. We’ll breathe the fresh air. Just the 2 of us.”

“Okay. If my Mama feels better.”

“Yeah?”

Robbe nods.

“Alright! It’s a date.”

Robbe doesn’t even realize he’s wincing and rubbing the right side of his head again. But Sander notices.

“Go make that herbal tea, my Love. Put honey in it!” he tells him. “And then go straight to bed.”

“Alright.”

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Sweet dreams.”

“Thank you.”

“And Robbe? Call me if there’s anything.”

And then they hang up. And Robbe in the big beige sweater that smells like Sander heads to the kitchen quietly to go make some tea.


	21. THURSDAY 15:22

Maybe today Robbe’s Mama is feeling better, so Robbe agreed to go out with Sander. He didn’t know where they were going, but didn’t really ask. And when they got there, there were trees everywhere and no one to be found. Sander was right: just the 2 of them, in nature.

And now they’re intermittently walking hand in hand, Robbe sometimes burying his face in Sander’s shoulder. Or sometimes Sander stays back with a smile as Robbe skips forward. Or Sander tries to snap pictures as Robbe hides behind trees, giggling, peaking out from behind a trunk.

And Sander is relieved that Robbe seems so much better than he was yesterday. And Robbe is relieved to be out of his apartment and away from everything that is home. Relieved that his mother feels better and relieved to exist only with Sander for a few stolen hours. And he looks at Sander and his eyes are the color of the trees around them, the color of spring, and rain, and rivers, and meadows. They help him breathe easier.

And now Robbe comes out from his hiding place behind the tree and walks straight towards Sander, who photographs him until he gets too close. And Robbe keeps walking even when he gets so close to Sander that Sander has to start backing up.

“Wow wow wow,” Sander exclaims, not seeing where Robbe is leading him.

But Robbe only smiles and keeps walking until Sander is pressed against a tree and he is right against Sander. And then he kisses him. Once, first. As if unsure what it’ll feel like. Looking for Sander’s reaction, wondering about his own. And it’s all perfect. And there are clouds overhead, but birds are singing and the rest is quiet, and the city has disappeared from their sight and thoughts. They’re alone. They’re alive.

And Sander is smiling and he pulls his camera to the side and lets his arms hang on either side of himself, as if to let Robbe know he’s surrendering all control to him, that he can lead him wherever he wants. But Robbe just wants to be right here.

And so he kisses Sander again. A deeper kiss, mouths open, eyes closed, gripping at Sander’s shirt and jacket. And he stands on tippy-toes, flush against Sander, and his tongue seeks Sander’s. And after a day of cold and gray that seemed to never end, it’s the most welcome warmth, spreading inside of him. And all his senses tune in to this touch, to the intimacy of them.

And they kiss again. And it starts raining lightly above them, but they don’t feel it. And then they do. And they kiss again. They let the drops tickle them and trickle down their hair, down their cheeks, as Sander’s hands hold on tight to Robbe now under his jacket. And they kiss again.


	22. FRIDAY 22:33

Maybe right now Sander is letting Robbe inside his bedroom. They kiss hello briefly and Sander opens wide eyes.

“Robbe, you’re soaking wet!”

Robbe drops his bag and jacket on the floor.

“Yeah, sorry. It’s pouring rain outside,” he says shaking his head, his hair already dripping onto his tee-shirt.

“Don’t apologize. Let me grab you a towel.”

Sander leaves the room and in the meantime, Robbe takes off his wet shoes and wet socks, leaves them in the corner of the room, and walks towards the desk. Careful not to drip water onto anything, he looks at Sander’s latest works: trees and buildings and a bird and a lot of himself. He smiles softly.

“Turn around,” Sander tells him when he gets back.

Robbe does and immediately Sander starts drying his hair delicately with the towel.

“You were productive this week,” Robbe says.

“Yeah... it comes and goes, I guess. Today was good.”

“That’s great!”

“How are the guys?”

Robbe has just gone to get a few drinks with the Broerrrs. Sander makes a point to encourage Robbe to spend time with them without him regularly.

“They’re good,” Robbe answers. “Aaron might be beyond our help though...”

Sander laughs.

“What did he do this time?”

“He’s going to meet Amber’s parents. We tried to prepare him... Let’s just say it’s probably going to be a disaster.”

Sander chuckles and runs his hand through Robbe’s hair. It’s still humid, but no longer dripping.

“That’s better. Let me put that towel to dry in the bathroom.”

He leaves again and Robbe goes back to looking at Sander’s drawings in the meantime. He finds more birds, in flight or just perched, looking this way or that.

He’s about to wonder when Sander is coming back when he feels arms wrap around him from behind. He leans into the hug with a content hum.

“Your tee-shirt is wet too,” Sander grumbles against Robbe’s shoulder after a few seconds.

They break the hug and Sander starts taking Robbe’s shirt off.

“Undressing me already, are you?” Robbe asks with a smirk.

“Wouldn’t want you getting a cold now,” Sander answers, not taking the bait, but still laying Robbe’s shirt on his desk chair to dry.

“Aren’t you going to give me another one, then?” Robbe asks.

“You know, I’m starting to run out of clothes myself...” Sander says, teasing this time.

“What?” Robbe asks, half-offended, half-feigning innocence. “Is this about your beige sweater?”

“Maybe. Maybe it’s about -” Sander rubs his eyes and refrains a yawn, “- how I like you without a shirt on.”

Robbe shakes his head and sits down on Sander’s bed, back against a pillow against the wall, trying to ignore the slight shiver from the cold he can feel on his arms.

“What were you doing when I got here?” he asks.

“Nothing much,” mumbles Sander before joining him on the bed, settling down comfortably right next to him, setting his head against Robbe’s bare chest.

“So this was your plan all along?” Robbe asks, looking down at Sander snuggling against him.

Sander nods, starting to trace soft patterns on his chest and stomach quietly. Robbe smiles and leaves a kiss on his head, before grabbing his phone and putting on some music. He leaves his phone further away on the bed and shifts a bit to be even closer to Sander.

He leaves another kiss on Sander’s head. The cold from the rain is completely gone now, replaced by the warmth of him. It takes Robbe a while to realize the patterns Sander is tracing on him are not random anymore, but seem like actual drawings.

“What are you doing?” Robbe asks.

Suddenly Sander sits up and reaches out towards his nightstand.

“Wait, I have an idea.”

He grabs a black pen and lies back down on his stomach, head and chest propped up by a pillow. He takes off the pen cap.

“What are you doing?” Robbe repeats, now looking worried.

“Do you trust me?”

“Always,” he answers, not looking less concerned.

Sander moves closer. He brings a hesitant hand to Robbe’s chest, takes a breath, and starts drawing. Robbe doesn’t dare move. He wants to stroke Sander’s hair and arm, but he doesn’t dare. He remains very still as Sander works.

He doesn’t know how much time has passed when Sander finally blows softly on his chest, as if to help the ink dry. He shivers again as Sander leaves a kiss next to the drawing and then looks up at him with those green eyes of his.

He can’t really see the drawing though, and so Sander - realizing this - sits up, takes his hand, and gets off the bed.

“Come.”

Robbe gets up and follows him into the bathroom. Sander stands behind him. In the mirror, Robbe finally sees the drawing: a bird in flight, just next to his heart.

“A gift for you, Robin.”

Sander rests his head on Robbe’s shoulder and looks at their reflection.

“Now you can be whatever you want,” he adds. “You can touch the stars.”

Robbe’s mouth has dropped open. He struggles with words for a second. Then he looks at Sander in the mirror.

“You’re the one taking me there, my Love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are a few Titanic echoes here: the drawing, the reference to touching the stars. And obviously, an Even drawing (a bird) on his Isak is a reference to Davenzi. Actually, I wasn’t sure about the bird until the last minute (I considered a flower or a tree or an angel), but it made so much sense for Robin <3


	23. SATURDAY 19:43

Maybe right now Sander is joining Robbe and the Broerrrs in a park. The girls are here too - Zoë and Jana and Luca and Yasmina and Amber. They are arguing. The girls are sitting all next to each other on one side and the guys on the other, all of them a few feet apart from each other. Aaron is standing in front of them and apparently upset about something. Jens is standing a little further away, filming with his phone.

Sander says ‘hi’ to everyone from afar, leans down to kiss Robbe with a smile, and Moyo scooches over to let him sit next to Robbe.

“What’s going on?” Sander asks while Aaron and the girls continue arguing.

“We’re filming a vlog,” Moyo explains, as Robbe wraps his arm around Sander’s, resting his head against his shoulder, and Sander automatically opens his hand to welcome Robbe’s. “The concept is Lip-Sync Battle. You know, like the Jimmy Fallon show.”

Sander looks puzzled.

“It’s a competition - who will lip-sync better? We’re competing - the guys. And the girls are the judges.”

“I’m just saying this jury is rigged,” Aaron declares just then.

“The girls didn’t appreciate Aaron’s performance,” Robbe whispers to Sander.

“Aaron, you’re dating one of the judges! If the jury is rigged, it’s in your favor!” Jens tells him, visibly exasperated, before he stops filming.

“Then why am I losing?”

“Well - you’re gonna have to draw your own conclusions...”

“Plus you’re only the third contestant. Maybe you won’t finish last,” Robbe tells him, trying to sound encouraging.

“Oh hi, Sander,” Aaron says, as if only realizing now that he’s here. His expression then changes. “Hey, isn’t Sander competing?”

“What? Would you feel better losing to Sander than losing to Moyo or us?” Jens asks ironically.

“Yeah,” Aaron admits, as if it were completely obvious.

“Hey! No! You just said the jury was rigged. If Sander participates, he should be in the jury to balance things out. So you’ll take our decision seriously,” Amber offers.

“But then Jens and I won’t stand a chance,” Moyo complains. “There won’t be anybody on our side in the jury.”

“Sorry, but if I have to participate, I’d rather be in a team with Robbe anyway,” Sander says.

Robbe tightens his grasp on Sander’s arm with a mischievous smile.

Jens rolls his eyes at their cheesiness.

“That won’t work because Robbe already sang his song,” he says.

“I can just sing mine alone. And when I win, it means we win together,” Sander offers, confident.

Jens, Moyo, and Aaron look at each other, thinking.

“Well,” Moyo starts, “it’s definitely going to be Robbe’s only chance to win this thing, after that terrible performance.”

Robbe’s eyes and mouth open wide in surprise and outrage. Sander chuckles.

“Hey!” Robbe lets out.

“Ok, so Sander you’ll be last to compete. You’re with Robbe, although you will perform alone. Moyo, you’re up,” Yasmina recaps. “Can we speed this up and not spend the entire night doing this?”

Everyone agrees. Moyo gets up and finds his song on his phone. Jens starts filming again. Soon we hear the first few notes of “Lose Yourself” by Eminem. Moyo sings with conviction and dances during the instrumental parts of the song, which earns him the highest score yet from the girls, who brandish their phones with big 8s and 9s on them.

“Sander, you’re up,” Moyo says, as they switch places. “Good luck, man.”

“Make me proud, babe,” Robbe tells Sander with a loving smile as he lets him go.

“Do you have your song ready, sir?” Zoë asks.

“Give me just a second,” Sander says as he connects his phone to the speaker and looks for the song.

And against everyone’s expectations, it’s not Bowie’s voice that they hear coming from the speaker. Instead, Sander starts lip-syncing to Kate Bush’s “Running Up that Hill.”

And Jens knows now he’s definitely lost the game, and Aaron wonders why he didn’t think of picking a song by a woman, and the girls are impressed with Sander’s confidence, his moves, the intensity in his green green eyes, and it’s the sexiest thing Robbe has seen ever maybe, and it takes a lot for him to keep it together. He bites his lower lip. Mesmerized. Like that day at the supermarket. The day they met, and he couldn’t take his eyes off him. He didn’t know then that that feeling would never go away.

“Ok, that’s not even fair,” Moyo declares once Sander is done.

The girls put the scores up on their phones and brandish them.

“And it’s 10s across the board, people!” Luca announces. "We have a winner!"

Sander is not looking at them though. He just smiles at Robbe.

“We won,” he tells him triumphantly, as he walks towards him.

Robbe gets up to meet him halfway. He stands on tippy-toes and holds on to his jacket to kiss him.

“My Love,” he whispers in Sander’s ear, for him only.

Their moment, however, is interrupted by Aaron.

“Congratulations, sir,” he tells Sander, bowing. “I cannot shake your hand, but it was an honor losing to you.”

“Sir, f.k.a. Jack Frost,” Moyo corrects him.

Jens stops filming and they all grab their things.

“Ok, let’s go,” Jens tells them. “I need a drink to forget this crushing defeat.”

“What’s our prize?” Sander asks with a smirk. “Are you paying for our drinks?”

“I think all the losers should pitch in to pay one drink to the winner,” Jens grumbles.

And Robbe and Sander walk hand in hand as their friends try to decide where the best place to have a beer would be. And Robbe knows they’ll probably leave early, because he can’t wait to be alone with Sander now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been talking about Sander lip-syncing to ‘Running Up That Hill’ for a while now. I just had to write it into this story.
> 
> Also I loved Luca’s reference to ballroom culture (and Pose?) in Wtfockdown, so I made here give another reference to it here!


	24. SUNDAY 11:41

Maybe Robbe is in bed with Sander right now. He has an arm wrapped around him and is stroking his hair. Sander is snuggled next to him, playing with his angel chain. There’s no music but it doesn’t matter. It’s just them under the covers, and the birds outside, and the occasional car passing by, until:

“Sander?” his mom shouts from the other side of the door.

“What?” Sander shouts back, exasperated.

“Is Robbe here?”

“Yes, Mom!”

He rolls his eyes.

“Is he leaving before lunch?”

“I don’t know, Mom!”

“What do you want for lunch?”

“I don’t care!”

“Ok, well, come help me out in a few minutes, okay?”

“Fine!”

They hear her footsteps going away.

“Ugh!” Sander lets out. “She’s so annoying!”

“I think she wants me out of here...” Robbe whispers.

He stretches a little.

“Can’t I just stay here forever?” he asks, looking at Sander.

Sander looks back at him.

“Can’t I?” Robbe asks again.

“Yes,” Sander says at first, with a smile, before going on, looking sad. “I wish. I wish I could stay in your arms like this always. I wish we’d live together.”

Robbe smiles softly.

“One day,” he promises.

And they kiss, to seal the promise, to say hello, to say goodbye. And Robbe doesn’t want to get up but he knows he will. To let Sander help around the house, to go home to his own Mama. Just not quite yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was inspired by the cuddle scene from OG (only switched the ‘can I just stay here forever?’ line to Robbe instead of Sander).


	25. MONDAY 15:51

Maybe right now Robbe is texting Sander:

Are you at home right now?  


And Sander, sitting at his desk, answers:

Yeah, why?  


And less than a minute later Sander’s front door bell rings and he hears his Mom open for someone and a few seconds later someone is knocking on his bedroom door softly and when he says “yeah?” Robbe is the one to open the door and stand before him.

“What are you doing here?” Sander asks, surprised. They hadn’t planned on seeing each other today.

Robbe drops his bag on the floor.

“I just missed you so much suddenly.”

Robbe’s looks a little pained as he walks towards Sander.

“Suddenly I thought the only thing I want to do - the only thing I can do this following minute, is exactly this,” he goes on, standing in front of Sander, still sitting, and running a hand through his hair.

Sander doesn’t say anything but lets himself get wrapped up in Robbe’s embrace, burying his face in Robbe’s tee-shirt. He lets himself be stroked and caressed, breathing him in. It’s unexpected, but welcome. Always. And they stay like this for a while.

It’s so unlike Robbe to make this type of spontaneous decision. Sander worships Robbe, but he finds himself enjoying the feeling of being missed and sought after.

After a moment he moves his heads back to look up at Robbe.

“Should we kiss now?”

Robbe nods, and Sander raises his head a little, waiting for Robbe’s lips to meet his. He wraps his arms around Robbe’s waist as they kiss, thinking this is perfect.

“I have to go now,” Robbe whispers after.

“What?”

“This wasn’t planned. I have to run some errands for my Mama. This was just - a break, in our busy days.”

“It was a most welcome break...”

“It was,” Robbe agrees.

Robbe raises Sander’s chin for one last kiss, before walking back, as Sander holds his hand until the very last second. Robbe smiles a shy smile as he picks up his bag, still looking at Sander. And suddenly he is out Sander’s room again and then out of his apartment and then out of his building again. And his day goes on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are echoes to OHN here (the mention of the ‘following minute’ and the suggestion of kissing).


	26. TUESDAY 17:08

Maybe right now Robbe is walking into his kitchen and his Mama is there making lemonade.

“Hey,” he says shyly.

“Hey, honey,” she says with a fond smile.

She looks tired.

“How are you feeling?” Robbe asks.

“Today has been okay.”

She can probably feel him worrying next to her because she takes her eyes off the lemonade she was mixing in the pitcher and raises a hand to cup his face softly and run her fingers through his hair.

“You want some?” she finally asks gesturing at the water.

Robbe nods. She grabs another glass from the cupboard and adds some more sugar in the pitcher before pouring the lemonade.

She takes hers and sits at their small kitchen table. Robbe could simply take his glass and go back into his room, but his mother is doing well and he wants to be there when that’s the case too, even if he’s busy, even he’s lazy. So he takes his glass and sits facing her.

They stay quiet for a little while, taking a few sips of lemonade.

“Is Sander coming over today?”

“No, he’s busy,” he tells her. “And I’m busy too.”

“Oh? Is there - Did something...”

She looks a little unsure, if not exactly worried, suddenly.

“What? No! It’s not like that. We don’t need to be together all the time, you know!”

“Well, I don’t know!” she says with a shrug and a chuckle. “I don’t know what relationships are like... for kids these days...”

“Our relationship is good!” Robbe assures her, starting to feel a little embarrassed, talking about this with his Mom. “We’re just not glued together all the time, that’s all.”

They just sip their drinks quietly for the next minute or 2.

“And you love him,” she half-asks, wanting to talk about this still apparently.

“I do,” Robbe says, looking at his glass, but incapable not to smile as he says it.

“He’s certainly a lovely gentleman,” she says almost to herself, before going on with a trace of a smirk on her lips, “and polite, and kind, and handsome, and I guess, loving -”

“Alright alright,” Robbe stops her, self-conscious. “I thought I was the one in love with him.”

“What? I thought I was being objective! How would you describe him?”

Robbe thinks about it for a second, staring at nothing.

“When he’s not with me, I think I’ve made him up.”

His mother smiles and takes his hand over the table.

“I’m glad,” she tells him earnestly. “I think you’re good for each other.”

“I think so too...” he agrees in a whisper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “When he’s not with me, I think I’ve made him up.” is a line from the movie Now Is Good.
> 
> The line from Robbe’s Mama enumerating Sander’s qualities is inspired by a line from the Nurse describing Romeo in Romeo and Juliet.


	27. WEDNESDAY 23:03

Maybe right now Robbe is at his desk, texting Sander:

Are you online? I have something for you.  


The answer comes immediately:

Be right there.  


And that’s when Robbe realizes that his desk is a complete mess and maybe he should have waited before texting Sander. He opens his computer anyways so that Sander doesn’t have to wait for him, logs in, and tries to push stuff away at the same time.

Sander appears online and as he clicks to video-call him, he accidentally knocks over a cup and a glass, spilling remnants of cold coffee and water on his books, pens, and part of his computer.

“Fuuuck! Fuck fuck fuck!”

“Well that’s not what I was expecting!”

Robbe was so focused on preventing his computer from drowning that he didn’t realize Sander has actually accepted the call and is now watching him trying to soak up the liquid with kleenexes and to salvage everything he can.

“Sorry. It’s nothing, I just spilled water all over my desk.”

Sander chuckles.

“Oh, baby...”

When things are finally under control Robbe sits back down and takes a breath.

“I was saying how I wasn’t expecting this. I was about to go to bed. I was surprised you were still awake, and to be honest, for a second there I kind of thought you’d be naked...”

“Sander!”

“Ok, at least topless!”

“What?!” Robbe says with the biggest smile on his face. “I thought that was a last resort! We can see each other for real now...”

“Yeah... but it’s been forever!”

“It’s been like 2 days.”

“Last time doesn’t count, we saw each other for like 4 seconds.”

“True,” Robbe admits, missing his boyfriend more now suddenly. “Speaking of! I was about to go to sleep too, but I wanted to show you this.”

He rummages through the mess on his desk and takes out a piece of paper. He sits a little straighter as he shows it to the camera. On it, drawn in thick, felt-pen lines, are 2 stick figures with brown hair, one taller than the other, holding hands. In green capital letters it reads: “Voucher for a date for the boy with the ocean eyes.” At the top of the page are 2 rectangles that read “tickets.”

“Can you see?” Robbe asks.

“Yeah.”

Sander doesn’t say much but he is beaming, which reassures Robbe because he got the idea after talking to his Mama yesterday, because it got him thinking about what “kids” in relationships do and he thought, with the lockdown coming to an end, he wanted a night out with Sander, something very ordinary that now feels extraordinary, but he wasn’t sure how Sander would feel about something so traditional and boring. He sighs, relieved.

“Yeah,” he scratches his head a bit. “I’d like to invite you - on a date. If you want. I don’t know if this is something you’d want to do, it’s probably silly, but movie theaters are reopening next week, and you can pick the movie and I just - I -”

“I’d love to,” Sander interrupts him. “Let’s do that. Whenever you want. We’ll set a date.”

“Ok,” Robbe simply says with a shy smile.

They look at each for a second or 2 in silence.

“Ok, well, that’s it,” Robbe finally say. “That’s all I wanted to say. You can go to sleep now.”

“Will you tuck me in?”

“What?”

“Like we used to do... during lockdown... Weren’t you going to sleep too?”

“Yeah.”

Robbe grabs his computer and brings it to his bed, and Sander does the same. Robbe switches off the light and then gets under his covers. He lies on his side and places the computer not too far from his face.

“Robbe?”

“Yes?”

“You need to give me that drawing next time we see each other.”

Robbe chuckles.

“Sure.”

“And Robbe?”

“Yes?”

“Let’s see each other tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

“I love you. Good night.”

“Sleep well, my Love.”


	28. THURSDAY 19:24

Maybe right now Robbe and Sander are walking hand in hand quietly, each one an earphone in one ear. They’re listening to Robbe’s latest discovery at low volume: a ‘Starman’ cover by the MonaLisa Twins.

They met up a few minutes before and after riding their bikes a little to get closer to the water’s edge, they left them to continue on foot. Sander intermittently squeezes Robbe’s hand a little tighter and Robbe intermittently looks up at Sander fondly.

Once they’ve walked to somewhere more isolated and quiet, they stop to look out at the water and the sun, now low in the sky. Sander then turns to Robbe, cups his face with both hands and leaves a soft kiss on his forehead, and then one on his lips.

“I’ve missed this,” he whispers, letting his forehead lean against Robbe’s.

“Me too...”

Robbe kisses him once more and then looks around.

“Shall we sit here?” he suggests

“Yeah.”

They sit side by side and Sander looks over at Robbe and is surprised to find him smiling like he has something to hide.

“What?” he asks.

Robbe seems to hesitate for a second.

“I brought dinner,” he finally announces.

“What?!”

“Yeah, I thought you probably haven’t eaten yet and I -”

Instead of finishing his sentence he opens his bag and takes out 2 plastic containers full of salad and 1 filled with strawberries and a bottle of water.

“Mister Ijzermans!”

“My Mama helped me,” Robbe tries to explain now feeling embarrassed.

He doesn’t say that she suggested what to bring and basically prepared the entire salad, talking about how quinoa contained vitamins and amino acids and whatever else, and that he said yes to everything, remembering how he’d read somewhere how important healthy and balanced nutrition could be for people with bipolar.

“This is incredible,” Sander says, shaking his head a little in disbelief. “Thank you, babe.”

“I’ve been trying to up my boyfriend game,” Robbe tells him, “since I was so lucky in that department myself.”

“You didn’t have to,” Sander says, leaning closer to him. “You were always perfect to me.”

And Robbe lets himself be kissed, ever-so-gently.

“But this is nice,” Sander whispers between kisses. “You’re so nice.”

After a minute or 2 Robbe opens one of the salad containers and hands it to Sander, with a spoon and napkin, before taking the other for himself. As he starts eating, in the warmth, the soft yellow of the setting sun, Sander smiles at himself, before taking a spoonful to his mouth.


	29. FRIDAY 23:39

Maybe right now Robbe is curled up against Sander in bed.

“Are you sleeping?” Sander asks, looking at the ceiling, after they’ve been silent for a while.

“No.”

“Do you want to do something?”

“Would it involve moving?”

Sander chuckles.

“Maybe.”

“Then absolutely not.”

They remained quiet for a moment.

“Then what do you want?” Sander asks.

“You mean, in life?”

Sander chuckles again.

“Yeah, we can start with that!”

Sander turns his head to look at Robbe.

“What did you want, when you were a kid?”

Robbe thinks about it and sighs.

“I wanted...” he starts, “I wanted to understand my Mom. I don’t think there was really anything I wanted more than that.”

Sander doesn’t say anything.

“Then I went through a phase when I got really into exploration and stories of people going to the far edges of the world. I wanted to see what they saw, and also to see what they hadn’t seen...”

“And now?” Sander asks.

“Now? Things I thought mattered don’t seem to make so much sense anymore. My parents getting back together, my escape plans... I mean travelling would be nice, as long as I have a home to come back to... I guess I just want a home. Just day-to-day life. Long walks, warm nights, breakfast.”

Robbe looks up at Sander then.

“With you,” he adds. “I just want seasons of us.”


	30. SATURDAY 11:02

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final daily drabble! I chose to end this after a month, so that I can now focus on doing research for a new fic that will take into account Sander's bipolar.
> 
> Thanks for reading <3

Maybe right now Sander wakes up to Robbe’s hand stroking his hair softly. He smiles at the warmth that radiates from where their skin touch. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of this. When he opens his eyes the light is very blue from the cloudless skies outside Robbe’s bedroom window.

As he blinks a few times, he feels shivers on his exposed skin and Robbe sees it because he whispers “hi.” Sander smiles again and stretches a little.

“Good morning.”

Sander turns to face Robbe and presses their forehead together. Eyes closed, he cups Robbe’s face and breathes in, before shifting again slowly to lie on his back. Robbe leaves the smallest kiss on his shoulder, which makes him smile again.

“Did you sleep well?”

“I did,” Robbe answers. “What about you?”

A contented “mmmh” is Sander’s only answer, which makes Robbe chuckle. He leaves another small kiss on Sander. This time closer to his collarbone.

“Do you have plans for today?” Sander mumbles drowsily.

“No. Not until much much much later.”

“So you’re telling me we can stay like this?”

Robbe nods.

“Forever,” Robbe confirms. “I mean... forever in this limited time we have today,” he corrects with a smile, “and then forever again next time.” He leaves another small kiss on Sander. “And then forever again next time.” He lets his hand linger on Sander’s stomach. “And again...”

And Sander turns, better to intertwine himself with Robbe. And Robbe wraps him up in his embrace. Arms and legs. And they stay like that for a while. Heartbeats slowing back down.

“You know, I was wondering,” Robbe then says, breaking the silence.

“Mmmh...”

“What about you, my Love?”

“What do you mean?”

“What are your hopes? Your dreams?”

Sander shifts a little. Just to focus. He looks back at Robbe.

“When I was younger I wanted the world. Everything in it. When I was first diagnosed, I think I didn’t really believe it. I pretended like I accepted it, and I did what I was told, for my Mom mostly, but really I don’t think I believed it. It feels pretty real now, though. And I’ve been working on figuring things out, from this new perspective. And now... I still want the world I think... but with you.”


	31. EPILOGUE

Maybe a few weeks from now, Robbe and Sander will be sitting on the sand, in their bathing suits, looking out at the sea, a few droplets still covering them from their recent swim. And they’ll be some of the last people on the beach, and they’ll be watching the sun go down. And Sander will look to his right, to Robbe, bathed in soft coral light, and he will forget the clouds playing with shades of gray and blue and orange and pink and yellow in front of him. He’ll forget the immensity and the sublime of the ocean. He’ll only see Robbe. And he won’t be able to stop himself from raising his left hand to caress Robbe’s neck, his tan skin, his soft hair. And Robbe too now will take his eyes off the view with a slight smirk and a quiet chuckle, turn to Sander, and let him bury his face in his neck and shoulder and hair.

“You smell like sunshine,” Sander will whisper against him.

“You taste like the waves,” Robbe will answer back, after wrapping an arm around Sander and leaving a few kisses where he can, taking his time.


	32. BONUS: Saturday 10:42

Maybe right now, Robbe is curled up on the couch looking at Sander, but not really. Looking towards but also beyond him. Sander who is busy drinking coffee with his left hand and sketching on a stray piece of paper with his right one. Robbe is lost in thought, one hand vaguely extended towards the one boy, as if automatically, magnetically drawn to him.

Sander turns his head to look at him, as he’s been silent for a while. There’s a fresh breeze lazily drifting in from the open window, caressing their summer skin. The sun is out and it bathes the room in a very soft yellow. Sander smiles, seeing Robbe looking at nothing, lost in his own brain, his cup of coffee forgotten on the table.

“What are you thinking about?” Sander asks, reaching to stroke Robbe’s extended hand, his pen still stuck between his fingers.

Robbe’s eyes focus back on his boyfriend, and immediately crinkle in a peaceful smile.

“Nothing. Just that - it’s just that - I was thinking about geometry. And astronomy?”

Sander waits for him to continue.

“I was thinking just like astral objects, we - I was on a course, I thought I knew my trajectory. I thought this was going to be my life. That feeling of inadequacy. Like that was just who I was - not enough, for anything or anyone. Life was just going to be that struggle. I saw other people not struggle so much, or struggle differently, with other things. And I thought it was normal for me - for it to feel so wrong, like it was what I should aspire to. I really tried. I tried that life of meeting without really connecting, my course parallel to others, and never really relating. Like I didn’t quite fit in any of the situations I found myself in. And then we met - we collided, rather. And everything changed. And I never knew you were what my path led to. My mother struggling, me refusing to go live with my dad, meeting Noor and trying so hard to be with her. Everything inside of me, all those decisions - they were actually leading me to you. Everything changed after that, after you - what I wanted, who I thought I was. I never knew there could be a change of course, but there was. A new path.”

Sander gives a warm smile and a quiet chuckle, raising his hand to stroke Robbe’s face.

“So you’re saying we’re like rock stars,” he says with a smirk.

Robbe pushes him a little, shaking his head.

“Silly boy,” he whispers. “I was thinking more along the line of asteroids, meteors...”

“I thought you were the sun.”

“And who are you? The moon? But they’re not bound to meet. And we did. You have to find something else.”

“I think,” Sander starts, leaning in, “this feels like this is the first step on your journey to becoming obsessed with astrology, my Love,” teasing.

Robbe’s mouth falls open in shock.

“Yeah yeah, whatever. Make fun of me all you want! You don’t get it, it’s fine. I thought it was a nice thought, that we weren’t alone in the universe as we believed...”

“Because we were bound to crash into each other in an explosion of epic proportions, a beautiful disaster. I get it.”

“I said ‘collide’, not crash. And I didn’t mention an explosion.”

“Fine,” Sander concedes. “Collide. Like undetermined astral objects.”

“Yes,” Robbe says, final.

Sander leaves his mug and pen and paper on the table before leaning back towards him.

“Let’s collide again then, Robbe, my Love,” Sander whispers, his gaze low, before kissing Robbe’s cheek. “And again,” before kissing his neck. “And again,” before kissing Robbe’s lips, forgetting his sketch, forgetting the breeze, taking his time, unworried about the world outside, moving fast.


	33. BONUS: Wednesday 11:01

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea why I'm still writing these instead of working on a new fic, but here we are.

Maybe the best feature in Robbe’s Mama’s apartment is the bathtub - just like the best feature in Sander’s Mom’s apartment is the little balcony. And just as he likes joining Robbe outside - likes walking up to Robbe from behind, looking at Robbe looking at the city under his beautiful brown eyes, likes hugging him from behind and burying his face in Robbe’s hair and neck, and if he’s lucky, if there’s music on, likes to turn Robbe around and slow-dance, with his head on Robbe’s shoulder in the evening glow - just like he likes all that, Sander likes meeting Robbe at his Mama’s apartment, and inevitably arriving early, and finding Robbe about to take a shower, and suggesting a bath instead. Like today.  
Sander rings the bell, and a half-naked Robbe about to put a teeshirt back on answers.

“How do you do that?” Robbe asks with a smile after leaning in for a brief kiss.

“What?” Sander shrugs.

“Get here when I’m about to shower?”

“It’s a gift I have,” Sander replies matter-of-factly. “My skin tingles when you start to undress - even when I’m not with you,” he adds with a smirk, tracing a finger down Robbe’s chest with a slight awe in his green green eyes.

Robbe shakes his head, with an exasperated smile, giving up on putting his teeshirt back on, and making his way back towards the bathroom. Sander follows him in and closes the door behind him, taking off his shoes on the way.

“How did you sleep?” Robbe asks, as he almost always does, when he gets to the bathroom. 

“Good.”

“Yeah?”

Now that they’re both in the bathroom, Robbe turns to face him, and Sander nods and gives him a reassuring smile. Robbe reaches out and strokes Sander cheek softly.

“Would you like to join me?” he asks after a few seconds.

“Absolutely.”

Sander drops his bag to the floor and Robbe helps him undress - not that he really needs help, but Sander likes to feel himself melt under Robbe’s strong, delicate hands. He shivers a little as Robbe starts the water and tests its temperature. But Robbe soon turns back to him and wraps his arms around him and stands on tip toes and kisses the point where his neck meets his shoulder and Sander feels himself dissolve a little.

“Hi,” Robbe whispers.

Sander can only chuckle and wrap his arms around Robbe, who looks so very small and fragile suddenly, even though Sander knows he is the strongest of the 2. 

Once the tub is filled Robbe gets in and, standing in the warm water, holds out his hand for Sander to grab. They laugh as he loses balance a little when Sander gets in too. Then they both sit down facing each other. They arrange their legs and feet comfortably and relax into the water.   
Sander soon lets his head fall back and closes his eyes. A contented hum escapes his lips. 

“I love this, Robbe,” he announces.

“What?”

“Everything,” he answers, looking at Robbe.

Robbe smiles.

“Why do you love this so much?” he asks.

Sander smiles, adjusting his position in the tub.

“I love feeling my body in the warm water. The line between water and air. I love touching you. Being able to hold your hand.”

He reaches out and waits for Robbe to place his hand in his. Robbe does.

“I love the quiet, when the only sound is us. I love looking at you, seeing you naked.”

He lets his eyes wander on Robbe’s skin.

“I love your body and your eyes and your hands, wrinkled from being in the water so long. I love the smell of soap, and the fact that there’s no one here to break our bubble.” 

Robbe doesn’t say anything, but his face is a little flushed.

“But mostly just - being with you. Confined in this small place with you.”

Robbe now leans forward, and pulls a little on Sander’s hand for him to lean forward too. “I love you,” Robbe whispers as they kiss. “I love you,” he whispers again, as they kiss again.

“Come on,” he then says. “Turn around.”

Sander obliges and Robbe pours some soap into his hands. Then, softly, slowly, he starts applying the soap onto Sander’s skin, smiling at the tiny bubbles forming everywhere his hands have touched. Lost in silence and reverence, as Sander sometimes leans this way or that, or slightly turns this way or that, better for Robbe to reach new places.


	34. BONUS: Tuesday 17:28

Maybe right now Sander is on his bed, sat with his back against a pillow against the wall, the white white sheets messily covering parts and patches of his naked body. The late afternoon light is very blue, and he quietly revels in the idea that together, he and Robbe have - by necessity, it’s true - conquered every part of the day with their love. Theirs is not confined to secret evenings and stolen moments in the dark of night. Since their Moms have gone back to their almost regular schedules, he and Robbe have met, have loved each other, have looked at each other with those eyes, in the morning, under the pale yellow sun, and at noon, hungry and restless, in the hot hot heat of the afternoon, or under the last of the sunshine, their skin glowing almost, as day becomes night. 

Robbe is sat crossed-legged facing him. They’ve been talking about Robbe’s childhood, the secret club he’d created with his friends back then, when Sander first started drawing, scoldings from teachers over the years... They’ve been quiet for a little while when Robbe suddenly leans towards Sander’s bedside table. 

“What are you doing?” Sander asks, wondering if he should feel playful or worried.

Robbe doesn’t answer, and instead grabs Sander’s camera with a smile.

“What are you doing?” Sander asks again.

Robbe checks some of the last photos Sander took - of them, of him - before bringing the camera to his face.

“Today I’m the one with the camera, Mr. Photographer,” he announces.

“What?! No no no!” Sander exclaims, sitting up.

“Come on!”

Robbe takes a picture.

“Come on, babe!” Robbe insists. “That way you can see how I see you.”

He takes another picture as Sander rolls his eyes, hiding his discomfort behind exasperation.

“Please, Love,” Robbe whispers, stroking Sander’s leg delicately with the tips of his fingers.

And this time, Sander shakes his head softly, and settles back against his pillow, trying hard to look annoyed, but letting Robbe do his thing anyway. How could he say no?

Robbe is thankful for the big camera hiding his triumphant smile - he wouldn’t want Sander changing his mind. He shifts a little to get a better angle and takes another picture. He keeps talking as he moves around the bed and tweaks the settings and holds the camera the way he has seen Sander do it a thousand times.

“I just want you to see what I see when I look at you.” He takes a picture. ““The hands that fit perfectly around my waist.” He takes another picture. “Your feet that are actually... quite nice when they’re not trapped in boots that are impossible to remove, separating me from you.” He snaps a picture with a smile, looking at a memory for a second. “Your arms that I forever want around me.” He takes another picture. “Your perfect skin I could spend my life kissing.” He takes another picture. “Those ocean eyes of yours, that saw me when it felt like no one else really did - that I wanted to show my self to.” He lowers the camera with a sad smile for a second before focusing back. “And that beautiful head of yours. Perfect inside and out. Perfect to me - perfect for me.”

Sander switched positions a few times in the meantime, to be more comfortable, but always looking somewhere else, trying to refrain a smile and the happiness that is no doubt radiating out of him in that moment. They stay quiet for a moment, and as Robbe is about to put the camera away after taking perhaps one last picture, Sander - still too shy to look at Robbe, still not used to being on the receiving end of grandiose declarations - trying to regain a semblance of cool, absentmindedly bites on the tip of his ring finger, letting it linger on his bottom lip for a second, before running his hand through his hair, and finally turning to face Robbe with a shy smile and a nervous chuckle. 

And Robbe forgets to take the picture, forgets what he is doing, forgets where they are. And nothing exists but Sander. He doesn’t notice that his own mouth is now slightly open. He doesn’t notice himself closing it and trying to swallow with some difficulty. He doesn’t know he’s about to say “Do that again” in a low whisper, but he is, and he does.

And Sander looks back at him and realizing the state of Robbe, he brings his finger to his mouth again, without a word. And if he is the sea, ever-moving yet eternal, sometimes calm, sometimes wild, Robbe in this instant is the flame, burning deep in his eyes as he absentmindedly takes a final picture before leaving the camera somewhere, anywhere, and crawling back along the bed, towards Sander.


	35. BONUS: Wednesday 18:32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the absolutely gorgeous film A Moment in the Reeds. Written to the soundtrack of 'folklore' by Taylor Swift.

Maybe right now Sander whispers “I know a place” and when they get there, there is a lake and the banks are all meadows and high trees and an old wooden deck and tall tall grass. And in the tall grass there are thistles and daisies and poppies and wheat and reeds and other wild flowers Robbe doesn’t know the name of. And he whispers “Sander...” 

It’s early evening already but the air is still so warm. And they drop their bags near the deck and sit at the edge of it, taking off their shoes and socks to dip their feet in the water. It’s fresh, a  
and inviting. They look at each other, Robbe leaning to touch Sander’s feet with his own. And they don’t say anything but it’s obvious they’re thinking the same thing. Robbe can see no one around, so he doesn’t feel self-conscious when he follows his boyfriend’s lead and undresses entirely, for Sander to see, for the sky to see.

If Sander, after a final, radiant smile back at Robbe, immediately jumps into the lake in a big splash, Robbe feels a little shy and reverent at the beauty of the place. The purity and the peace. So he lowers himself slowly into the water instead, letting it welcome him into its accepting arms, like a mother with its child. He smiles with relief once his entire body, save his head, is submerged. 

He doesn’t have time to just be though, as Sander - playful today - soon splashes him with a big child laugh and happy crinkly eyes. Robbe joyfully takes part in the game and they have fun for a while in the water. But soon the splashes become fewer and far apart, and Robbe and Sander get closer and closer, letting the surrounding silence fall back down on them like a veil. Until they’re just holding each other very close in the water, alone in the universe. Breathing in unison. 

Later, after climbing back up on the deck and lying there hand-in-hand, after waiting for the low sun and the breeze to dry their naked skin, eyes lost in the blue sky and the fluffy clouds, they get dressed again and walk a little in the tall grass. Letting their hands brush against the wildflowers, brush against each other, smiling as the stems caress their bare ankles, aware that they are only visitors here, borrowing this place from the bees, and the sun. And Sander should perhaps take a picture, but where and what even is a camera? 

“This is a dream...”

“Then it is a good dream...”

They hold each other there too. In the reeds. Tightly. Sander behind Robbe. Robbe squeezing the arms around him. Sander’s face buried in Robbe’s neck, in his shoulder. And later facing each other, Robbe’s cheek against Sander’s heart, Sander’s collarbone. And even when they let go, they know they’ll never let go. They kiss softly, silently. With their eyes open, with their eyes closed. And the seconds turn into minutes turn into more. They could do this forever. And Sander looks perfect here. Looks like he was created here. Born from the meadows and the lake. Robbe from a tree and a pale yellow wildflower. 

“One day we’ll live here,” Robbe says, as they sit in the weeds facing each other, their fingers grazing against the blades of grass against each other’s skin, playing hide-and-seek with the orange and pink rays of evening, of whatever time it is. He looks at the tiny white flowers all around Sander face. They remind him of something. “I’ll build our house... find peace... when we’re old maybe...” They could be married here, he thinks. The lake, the only authority they need. Water and white wildflowers. 

They love each other against a tall tall tree. Sander looking into Robbe’s eyes. They’re the same color as that place. A warm brown, a little green, a little golden. Robbe bites his lip and hums. He breathes Sander in, tastes only him. He presses himself against Sander against the tree, melts under his moans and his mouth, hangs on to his brown hair and his shoulders and his hands. He wraps himself around him. Feeling himself almost become a flower, himself blooming too. And each of Sander’s movements is towards him, meant for him, with him. Completely, absolutely in tune with each other, with nature, with themselves, with the infinite. Divine.

Later, as they let the breeze guide them back to their bags and the deck and home, as they stop one last time to take it all in, to engrave it in their memory - everything, the wind, and the sun, and the pale flowers, and the lake - Sander turns to Robbe.

“I could love you forever,” he says in a hoarse whisper. “I know that’s what I always wanted, what I always promised.” 

Robbe doesn’t say anything.

“But now I know that I really could.”

Robbe raises a small hand to Sander’s face with a smile. Stroking him with the tips of his fingers, with the back of his hands, everywhere. Forehead and cheeks and jaw and nose and lips and hair and eyelids. Looking at him. Man of his dreams, Love of his life.

“I think that would make me happy,” he finally answers. “My Only Love.”

And when he sees Sander’s eyes sparkle with emotions, he envelops him all, with his strong arms, golden in the last of the sun, standing on his tippy-toes in the tall tall grass.


	36. BONUS: MONDAY 11:33

Maybe right now Robbe blinks his eyes open to white gray skies and far too much light in his bedroom. He frowns and pouts and closes his eyes again and squirms in the sheets, determined on finding - if not sleep - stillness again. Refusing the day. Until he feels Sander right there, awake, his back against the wall, and chuckling at him. 

Robbe opens his eyes again, and soon finds Sander’s. The soft green of his irises makes him lie still again, makes him exhale. Peace. Or is it bliss?

“Hello, Love,” Sander says under his breath, in the hoarse voice muddled with sleep that Robbe loves because it’s just his, pushing aside the sketchbook and pen on his lap. “What is it you’re looking to do here?” He lies back down on the bed. “What is it that you want?” He cups Robbe’s face gently.

“Hug me,” Robbe asks without hesitation. 

And so Sander does. He slips an arm under Robbe’s neck and wraps the other around his shoulder. But instead of stopping there, he wraps a leg around Robbe. And instead of stopping there, he moves him so that Robbe is now lying on top of him. 

“Better?” he asks.

Robbe nods against Sander’s chest and then raises his head to look up at him.

“Now kiss me.”

Sander looks back at him, shaking his head almost imperceptibly, with the beginning of a side smile. Finally he does. Robbe has to move up his body a little, for their lips to touch, which makes him laugh. But they do. They kiss. It’s just their lips touching softly. Then Sander waits for Robbe to say something.

“Thank you,” Robbe whispers, to his surprise, before suddenly getting up, staggering a little as he takes his first step of the day, and leaving the room.

Sander smiles and doesn’t move. When Robbe comes back, he is still in the same place and the skies are still gray and the sheets are still warm and Robbe doesn’t even have to think before going back to bed, before lying back down on Sander who’s pretty sure he’ll never stop smiling. 

“Now what?” Sander asks.

“Now...” Robbe starts. “Repeat. Ad infinitum.” And so Sander hugs him as he whispers ‘I love you’ into his skin, into his chest and arms and neck, before raising his head a little and letting himself be kissed. Again.


	37. BONUS: WEDNESDAY 14:02

Maybe right now Sander raises his eyes from the sketch he is working on to look at Robbe facing him on the other side of the small table in his white white kitchen, bathed in soft yellow light. 

“I’m sorry, Angel,” Sander apologizes. “You were saying?”

“You’re not listening to me,” Robbe says, more as a statement of fact than a reproach.

“I am listening to you,” Sander insists. He pauses and looks at his drawing again. “I’m not listening to you,” he then admits with a sheepish smile, looking back at Robbe. “Sorry. Go on.”

“I was saying...” Robbe starts again, shaking his head smiling as Sander goes back to his sketch, probably without even realizing it. Kendrick Lamar’s “LOVE.” is playing in the background, and maybe Robbe changes his mind about what he wanted to say when he goes on: “...that I love how you frown when you draw.”

That makes Sander smile and look up for a second, showing that this time he is listening. Robbe’s eyes fall on the secret love note he wrote on a post-it on the corner of a random draft of a biology paper earlier this morning that Sander then decided to use for a sketch. That’s been his thing recently: covering pre-used pages and sometimes even old experiments of his or bad paper memories with new drawings, with pure love.

Robbe leaves the table and walks to the counter. He goes back to preparing breakfast for them. Never mind that it’s 2 in the afternoon. 

“I love that you call me Love,” he goes on, half to himself, as he pours freshly-brewed coffee into 2 cups. He hears Sander chuckle softly at that.

It’s a particularly warm August day. One of those light blue, almost white skies and only the slightest of intermittent breezes to keep you from melting entirely. They are both in their underwear, which is not unusual for them for breakfast, but which feels particularly necessary today. 

“I love your skin. Its color. And softness,” Robbe continues, placing one cup of coffee next to Sander’s sketch on the table. Sander looks up at him and Robbe strokes his shoulder and back with the back of his hand tenderly before going back to the counter.

He places 2 slices of brioche in the toaster. 

“I love... I love that you never say anything mean, about anyone.”

He turns and looks at the black and white photobooth picture of them looking at each other, Sander laughing, crinkled eyes and white hair, while he himself looks at him with eyes wide and a big smile that almost seems shocked. His mother insisted that he hang the picture on the fridge because they were just “too cute on here not to deserve to be seen everyday.” 

Robbe replaces the now toasted slices of brioche in the toaster with 2 fresh ones. 

“I love your certainty, and your openness when you don’t actually know something. I love when you’re quiet. And when you’re loud.” 

Then he forgets about the toasts, and allows himself to follow a thought for a while. It’s summer after all. They’ve got all the time in the world.

“You know a lot of people want a love that’s set in stone, that’s ever-the-same. Like Juliet! In Romeo & Juliet, she’s scared Romeo’s love will be as inconstant as the moon.” He pauses and takes out the last toasts, placing them on a plate with the others and bringing them to the table with a jar of chocolate spread and a spoon. “But I actually think,” he starts again, as he sits down down facing Sander and begins spreading chocolate on the toasts one by one, “my love is changing. I think it changes every day, every minute. With you. With me. It - I love you slow and I love you fast, I love you student and artist, I love you cranky... and I love you sunny!” He smiles to himself, still focused on the toasts. He doesn’t see Sander looking at him. “And I think my love is sometimes like a low purr and sometimes like pouring rain, sometimes everything, sometimes like the home I know I’ll come back to, later. And I guess,” he’s looking for the right words, and shaking his head a little, “at this point I don’t know if my love changes on its own, because I do, or if it answers to you every time. I just hope it’s always the love you need right now. The love I need.”

Robbe then shrugs casually, as he finishes taking care of the last toast - as if almost instantly forgetting his train of thought, and he brings his thumb, accidentally covered in spread, to his mouth, finally looking towards Sander who’s sitting there mouth open, eyes wide. He doesn’t have time to finish licking his thumb clean before Sander suddenly pushes aside his sketch and pen and the plate full of toasts and the spoon and the jar of chocolate spread with one big sweep of his arm. 

He doesn’t have time to look at Sander in surprise, to finish saying “wha-”, to even think about wiping his thumb clean, before Sander climbs on to the table, kneels in front of him, bends down, cups his face with both hands, and finally - finally - kisses him. Urgently first - which tickles and makes Robbe chuckle and everything taste like chocolate. Then more slowly. Savoring this time. And the change of pace makes Robbe chuckle again, and he starts standing up, not breaking the kiss, and then it’s Sander’s turn to laugh as he scootches a little to let Robbe join him on the table. 

Minutes later they’re still both sat there. They haven’t stopped kissing. Robbe hovering over Sander in his eagerness. It’s summer after all. They’ll probably have breakfast sitting on the table now anyway.


	38. BONUS: Sunday 15:32

Maybe right now Sander is in one of those moods. He has music on, and Robbe is not going to ask if he’s been sleeping and eating well, because he knows he has. So it’s not anything to be worried about. It’s just Sander being Sander. Just something about today. And Robbe looks outside at the gathering thunder clouds, and takes a breath, reminded of the humidity and heat in the air that’s making him sweat slightly. He doesn’t really get why it makes Sander want to have a dance party all by himself suddenly. 

Robbe tries to keep cleaning and organizing his bedroom. Taking the sheets off his bed to wash them, now that they’re finally up, while Sander dances alone. And it’s fine and Robbe shakes his head a little with a smile every time Prince sings “I just want your extra time and your...” and Sander mouthes the words, every time Prince sings “kiss” and Sander presses 2 fingers to his lips before touching them to Robbe’s lips, looking him in the eyes. Robbe’s eyes open wide, but he tries to ignore the blush he feels on his cheeks as the song changes to “#1 Crush” and he goes out of the room to bring the sheets to the washer. 

He places the laundry in with detergent and sets the program. He then goes to the kitchen to get a glass of ice cold water, trying not to acknowledge the fact that in the next room, a gorgeous man is dancing alone to their “Let’s Have Sex to These Songs” playlist (to which they’ve each recently added a few new tracks). And then Robbe tries not to think about how he searched for “sensual alternative songs” on the internet, with Sander on his mind.

But when he comes back into his bedroom, Sander’s eyes are closed and Robbe can see the very thin sheen of sweat on his skin and Sander doesn’t even realize he’s back and what’s Robbe supposed to do with himself now? Why is the singer making these noises? Why does Sander look so entranced? Robbe sits on the edge of the bed and doesn’t know if he should smirk or bite his lip. So he decides to try and remember how to breathe first. 

As the song changes again, Sander’s eyes open and focus on Robbe. “Glory Box.” One of the new songs added to the playlist, but apparently he knows it well. Robbe can’t take his eyes off him as Sander whispers every word. Mouth open, eyes closed, a hand under his tee-shirt during the instrumental break, sucking softly on his own lower lip. And Robbe takes a deep breath. He doesn’t remember how he was annoyed just a few minutes ago that Sander was putting on music and dancing and singing instead of helping him. Doesn’t remember that the vacuum is waiting for him in the corner of the room. What were they doing again?

As the song changes again, Robbe just can’t. He springs to his feet and walks the few steps separating him from Sander. He doesn’t say anything before taking off Sander’s shirt, pressing himself against him, and finally - finally - kissing him, as the first rumble of thunder echoes around them and Tamino’s voice sings “Habibi.”   
Soon it will rain.


	39. BONUS: TUESDAY 11:44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FYI 'Sexxx Dreams' is a Lady Gaga song.

Maybe last night Robbe had a dream about Sander. He can’t remember it clearly but his brain is full of blurry flashes of Sander with white white hair looking everywhere for him, then taking him by the hand, leading him somewhere in the pink mist of dusk. He chuckles as he is reminded of that one morning Sander had woken up and sent him this text with a link:

“Last night, damn, you were in my 'Sexxx Dreams' 😏😏” 

This was a different kind of dream though for Robbe. A feeling of anxiety first, when Sander couldn’t find him and he couldn’t find himself. And then peace, pure love, once they’d found each other again. Once Sander had taken his hand. And in that dream there was always this melody in the wind, that he could barely remember. He looks out at the water, frowning a little with the sunshine in his eyes, his skateboard at his feet, and tries to recognize it. 

Finally, something clicks. And he remembers the song he heard, the song that’s been playing in the back of his mind since this morning. He decides to send Sander a text:

“If one day you can’t find me, just play this song ('Heroes' cover by Depeche Mode) and I’ll find my way back to you.”

Then realizing how intense and almost dark that text was, particularly out of the blue like that, he quickly decides to add:

“What do you think? Strong contender for first dance song at our wedding? 😉”

And merely a few seconds later there’s a text from Sander:

“😮 You can’t say shit like that.”

And immediately after, Sander is calling on his phone:

“Sander?”

“Where are you now?”

“At the waterfront, our usual place? Why?”

“I’m coming.”


	40. BONUS: WEDNESDAY 17:33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This occurs the day before Robbe's birthday.

Maybe right now Robbe is guiding Sander into his apartment, walking behind him with his hands covering Sander’s eyes. A little while ago when he went to pick Sander up, he said “I have something.” Then he added shyly: “For you.” He didn’t say where they were going and Sander said “why am I the one being surprised? Your birthday is tomorrow! You should be thinking about yourself only, and let everyone else celebrate you!” 

And then Sander was confused again when he realized they were heading towards Robbe’s place. And now he is confused again that Robbe just said: “I don’t have a blindfold so I’ll just be using my hands.” Sander says: “For what?!” And Robbe answers: “For covering your eyes.” And as he guides him inside the apartment, Robbe is pretty sure Sander’s mind is already following its imagination towards some sexual fantasy. But that will have to wait. He smiles at the fact that it’s actually really not about that at all. Although maybe it could lead to it...

They reach his bedroom and Robbe doesn’t take his hands off Sander’s eyes just yet. They keep walking before Robbe whispers “Right here.” right where Sander’s neck and shoulder meet, and Sander shivers. In the corridor, he had covered Robbe’s hands on his eyes with his own, and now he takes them off, hesitant. Robbe can almost hear his heartbeat getting faster, and oddly, it calms him down. He takes off his own hands slowly. In front of them is simply - a wall. Just a white white wall in his bedroom. Perpendicular to his desk. Close to the window. And on it, in a corner, he’d used a big marker pen to write R + S. Sander also recognizes 2 or 3 of his drawings, still confused.

Robbe takes a step back and he says calmly:

“This is your wall.  
You can do whatever you want with it. Paint all over it, tag, draw, hang sketches and photographs. And then take it all off and start all over again. You can come here whenever.”

Sander’s mouth opens slightly. 

“I hope... this can be your home. I’d be happy... to give you a piece of home.”

Sander turns around then, ocean eyes wide and sparkling. He reaches out to hug Robbe. But Robbe says:

“That’s not all.”

And he goes to the bed where there’s a small cardboard package. He takes it delicately and walks back to Sander. They both look down, hair almost touching, as Robbe opens it. From the mess of brown paper, he takes out an old Polaroid camera, probably from the 80s. Faded black and traces of wear on the sides. Under it, at the bottom of the package, are packs of films. 

“Maybe this would be a good place to start...  
I looked for one on the internet around your birthday, but couldn’t find one that worked and that wasn’t super expensive.  
I know you like your camera. But this is just... something different.”

He puts the package down on the bed and hesitates before handing the camera to Sander.

“For you.”

And Sander takes it and looks at it for a second in disbelief before laying it down on the bed and shaking his head a little.

“I love you so fucking much,” he says, immediately wrapping his arms around Robbe. “My Angel.” He kisses Robbe’s cheek. “Thank you.” He kisses Robbe’s forehead. “Thank you.” He kisses Robbe’s nose, which makes Robbe smile. “Thank you.” He then leaves a million feather-light pecks all over Robbe’s face. Robbe scrunches up his nose and chuckles. 

“I love you,” Robbe tells him, hugging him back. Because obviously this is what all this meant. In elk universum. Voor altijd.

Robbe leans forward for a kiss. Sander’s lips meet his halfway, and Sander strokes Robbe’s face and hair softly. 

Robbe nuzzles at Sander’s face tenderly as he asks: “You like it?” 

“I love it.”

“The wall too?”

“It’s perfect. Everything is perfect.”

And it’s final and Robbe can’t wait for more of this. For Sander coming in and adding pictures and drawings and love to this wall. Pieces of them both, put back together.

And Sander takes a step back, and for a second Robbe wonders if he is going to make a snarky comment about why oh why Robbe is giving gifts when it’s his own birthday tomorrow. But instead he places his hands on Robbe’s arms gently and whispers:

“I have a home right here...”

Before adding softly “I’m so lucky... How did I get so lucky?” and looking into Robbe’s eyes with pure love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the very lovely film Lullaby for Pi.


	41. BONUS: FRIDAY 10:01

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This occurs the day after Robbe's birthday

Maybe right Robbe opens his eyes to Sander entirely wrapped around him. A hand around his waist, another on his chest, a leg on his, his head nuzzling up in his hair. He smiles as he looks down at their intertwined bodies. It’s only then he realizes Sander’s awake too. 

He hums contentedly but doesn’t say anything at first, simply putting his arm and hand on top of Sander’s around his waist, and squeezes a little bit. Wrapping his other hand around Sander’s shoulders and neck.   
He smiles again at the knowledge that the beautiful room is probably littered with clothes quickly removed, with candles on tables and windowsills, with half-empty glasses. The soft morning sunshine bathes the room in pale yellow, promising a day that’s gorgeous, but not too warm. Perfect.

“Sander,” he starts in a small small voice, a little muddled with sleep still, “yesterday, you told me to meet you in the evening... And when I saw you I ran to you, and jumped into your arms and wrapped myself around you and you held me for a long time and you kissed my face... And then Jens took pictures and you posted them.... You talked...? You said you wanted to be the first and last person to celebrate me... And Jens disappeared...? And then you took me here, with me all over you. And in the room, before we made love, there were candles...” 

There were no real questions in his voice, but no real affirmations either. It all sounded like a dream.

“Mmmh...” Sander only answers, his voice even lower than it usually is.

Robbe smiles. He only now realizes he’s been stroking Sander’s arms and shoulders softly.

“Just checking,” he whispers.

They stay like that for a little while, until Sander changes positions, raises himself on one hand and looks back down at Robbe, still lying on his back. Robbe thinks he can see a trace of smirk on his face before Sander leans down and they exchange a few lazy kisses. 

Later, Robbe doesn’t know how much later, Sander is lying back down on the bed. His hand playing with Robbe’s angel necklace. The other in his hair.

“So how are you feeling, birthday boy?” he asks softly.

“Hey! It’s not my birthday anymore!” Robbe protests. "Sadly," he adds, mostly to himself.

“Okay... how does 17 feel, Mr. Ijzermans?”

Robbe smiles at the name.

“It feels amazing,” he says in quiet certainty. “To be honest, I was a little nervous. The state of the world, some days, doesn’t really make me want to grow up in it -”

“Oh, Robin...”

“- and also so much happened in the last 365 days - my Mama, and the flatshare, and you! It feels kind of weird saying goodbye to 16.”

Sander listens to him quietly, holding him close.

“But turning 16 last year...” Robbe raises his eyebrows in disbelief. “I remember now. I was trying so hard to play that role. To play happy. To be just one of the Broers. When really I was so angry and confused and sad....” He pauses. “Now everything is different. I feel so different. I’m back living with my Mama, my relationship with my dad is mostly okay, I’m out to everybody that matters, and there’s you by my side -”

“Always,” Sander confirms, and Robbe turns to face him and strokes his face lovingly. 

“And yesterday showed all that,” he continues. “Waking up to your lovely voice,” Robbe winks at Sander, “breakfast with both my parents, afternoon with the Broers, and then evening with you...”

“The first of many birthdays that will look like this, my Love,” Sander tells him, adamant. “The first of so very many...” He pauses. “This is nothing, you know. I want to give you so much...”

Robbe looks at him.

“It was everything I could have wanted. Thank you, babe. I feel so happy now. It was perfect.”

Robbe leans forward to kiss Sander’s lips, trying to put in that kiss all the love he feels for him.

“Isn’t there a way I can make this even more perfect for you now?” Sander says with a smirk, once they break the kiss and Robbe leans back. Thinking they don’t have to leave the hotel room he had booked for the occasion for another couple of hours.

“Oh,” Robbe smirks back. “There is...”

And Sander’s smile widens as he rolls on top of Robbe and Robbe immediately raises his head to kiss him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And then they make sweet sweet love. Again. Probably.


	42. BONUS: SATURDAY 17:33

Maybe right now Robbe and Sander are meeting the Broers at the skate park. And they say ‘hi’ to Jens and ask where Moyo is and then say ‘hi’ to Aaron. And Aaron, trying hard to play it cool, can’t help but tell Sander “Cool shirt!” right as Moyo gets there. And Sander says “Thanks, it’s new” and just as Jens and Aaron turn their attention to Moyo, Sander leans very close to Robbe’s ear and whispers low “Only bought it so you could take it off” with a half-smirk before saying ‘hi’ to Moyo too, as if nothing’s happened.

When he turns back to Robbe, Robbe has an adorable blush on his face, eyes wide and open mouth. Sander can’t help the cocky smile on his face, but the truth is he’s melting a little inside, and also starting to think he doesn’t really want to spend the afternoon with the guys. He has new plans on his mind... When Moyo turns to say ‘hi’ to Robbe, Robbe has to clear his throat a couple of times before he can even pronounce a word.


	43. BONUS: SUNDAY 14:41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This came from reading some discourse about filmmaker!Robbe after seeing him in charge of filming the dance battle. <3

Maybe right now Sander is looking at Robbe who’s been quiet for a while, only absent-mindedly answering Sander’s words, Sander’s touches. They were talking about Robbe filming the dance battle yesterday, but now, Sander isn’t sure where Robbe’s mind has gone.

“What are you thinking about?”

Robbe raises his eyes to meet Sander’s. The meadow green color of his eyes helps ground him, helps him breathe.

“Nothing,” he starts. “Just... last year - like exactly a year ago - I didn’t want anything. I wanted to want things, you know.” He thinks for a second. “I wanted to want Noor!” He scoffs softly. “But really the absolute only thing I wanted was to know where I was going to sleep at night. That was it. And at the same tim, there were a lot of things that I didn’t want. I didn’t want my Mama to be in hospital. I didn’t want to have to interact with my dad at all.” He takes a breath. “Mostly I didn’t want to be who I was...” he adds in a half-whisper.

Sander reaches out and takes his hand. Squeezes it 3 times. Robbe looks back up at him with a smile.

“But now!” he looks almost ecstatic as he starts again. “Now! I -” He squeezes Sander’s hand back, because if he’s not the only reason, he’s a big one of course. “I want everything!” He announces half-triumphant, half in disbelief. “I want to be everything. Want to do everything. And not only that. But I also - I also feel like I can, you know!” Sander is smiling something between absolute adoration and utter pride. “I want to be a scientist, a doctor, a filmmaker! I want to leave and I want to stay. See the entire world. I want to make documentaries and meet a thousand people. I want to study things and tell stories, and throw books out the window, but only after I read them all. I want to listen to everything and everyone, but also live in a bubble away somewhere. I want to learn more about editing and communication and our minds and life. About everything. About love. How far we can go...”

And then it’s like he can’t hold it in anymore and the only logical conclusion to his declaration is to lean forward suddenly, as soon as the last words leave his lips, and kiss Sander, urgently, hungrily, moving so he’s above him, on top of him. Everywhere with him.


	44. SUNDAY 13:42

Maybe right now Robbe and Sander are walking hand-in-hand, and Robbe has been quiet for a little while because he is now realizing that since being with Sander he notices things, he looks at things more carefully. And maybe it’s his interest for filming and photography, encouraged by Sander’s enthusiasm and advice. And maybe it’s just being free now inside that allows him finally to really pay attention to what’s happening outside. It’s existing beyond the Broers, and beyond pretending, and beyond his family worries. He can finally give some of himself to the world.

And so he looks. He never really knew the sky could take on this shade of yellow and pink, that there are snails on the ground after the rain, that the reflections of the walls in the water could be so mesmerizing, that the back alleys of the city could look so hazy and gorgeous in the orange glow of the street lights. He feels twice born. Opening his eyes for the second time only. This time bigger.

Suddenly Sander squeezes his hand.

“Look!”

Robbe is better at seeing now, but he doesn’t have Sander’s experience and training. So he looks in the direction Sander’s finger is pointing at. Across the street, there is small side street with one lone sign for a tiny shop in the shade. Perfectly empty. Sunlight at the end. Robbe looks up at Sander with a smile, and they don’t need to speak to decide to cross the street together.

Sander has his own camera at hand, but he lets Robbe do the honors. Robbe stands at the edge of the sidewalk and takes a couple of pictures. Going for symmetry and perspective. Sander waits for him to finish, before walking to the left wall, leaning a little, and taking a few pictures. Adjusting his stance each time. Once he’s done, he goes back to Robbe, and looks over his shoulder at the pictures on his phone. Robbe turns his head to look at him, so used to them sharing space like this, and yet still so happy each time.

“What do you think?”

Sander gives him an approving smile, a kiss on the lips, a hand in his hair.


	45. MONDAY 23:43

Maybe right now Sander is shifting in bed, sighing, pressing his eyes closed, trying to imagine Robbe’s arms around, Robbe’s weight against him.

He’s trying not to toss and turn, trying to fall asleep. Feeling giddy about seeing Robbe this weekend. Happy about their phone conversation earliee, when he encouraged Robbe to spend all the time necessary on his school assignment, even though deep down part of him feels sad if it means they’ll get to spend less time together.

But that’s the thing though. With Robbe in his life, even when he’s sad, he’s happy. Even when he’s angry, he’s happy. Even when he’s worried, or frustrated, or anxious, deep down, he’s happy. It’s like having the sun in the palm of his hand, at all times. Or a blanket wrapped around his fragile heart. And he never knew love could be like this.

It’s thinking that, but also thinking about how Robbe can succeed in anything he sets his mind to, and Sander will make it his mission in life to cheer him on in each of his endeavors, that Sander finally manages to relax. And fall asleep.


	46. SATURDAY  22:22

Maybe right now Robbe and Sander just finished watching _A Knight’s Tale_. They’re cuddled up on Robbe’s bed and lazily let the credits roll, neither moving, neither ready to leave the comfort of the other’s arms.

Maybe Sander is starting to think that he could fall actually asleep like this. If only Robbe would push the computer off the bed. And move closer into his arms. Yeah...

That’s when the credits end and Robbe blinks a few times, as if waking up from a dream.

“Seriously, though, Heath Ledger was so hot such a good actor,” he declares, sitting up and closing his laptop.

Sander only sighs, giving up on sleep, and tries not to roll his eyes, not to smirk too obviously. As if he knows what Robbe is really think about. Hint: it’s not Heath Ledger’s acting skills.

“What?!” Robbe asks, noticing Sander’s skepticism. “Let me guess, you only liked the scene with the Bowie song.”

Now it’s Robbe’s turn to roll his eyes at his predictable boyfriend.

“And the scene at the start with Queen!” Sander corrects him, half distracted looking up something on his phone. “It is a great song, though,” he adds, now looking at Robbe, once he seems to find what he was looking for.

“Which one?”

Sander doesn’t answer, but instead presses play on his phone. The first few notes of “Golden Years” echo in the quiet bedroom, bathed in darkness now that the sun has set. Before Robbe can say anything, Sander switches on the fairy lights above Robbe’s bed and gets up.

And Robbe can only look, mouth slightly open, a glimmer in his eyes, as Sander starts dancing. And it’s just him and the regular magic he brings into Robbe’s life. Cheap lights, low-quality phone sound, and suddenly we’re in a scene from a movie and Robbe’s room is a dancefloor. Sander looks very intentionally at him as he sways and let his arms and feet follow the rhythm. Until suddenly he reaches out and Robbe takes his hand without hesitation, without a hint of a doubt. And lets himself be brought very close to him. And Sander presses a hand low on his back, and Robbe shivers, and they dance.

Robbe is so lost in it all he can’t even bring himself to think about how he never wants this to end, how his entire body is flush against Sander’s, until Sander makes him twirl, and leads him back close to him, and leans, and in a low, liquid whisper against his ear promises: “Tonight, I’ll make you forget Heath.”


	47. WEDNESDAY 21:57

Maybe right now Robbe is sitting at a small table in a bar, his leg against Sander’s, facing him. He is done with his homework, so his Mom gave him permission to go out, if he’s back by 10. It’s rainy and dark outside but Robbe doesn’t mind. In fact, he feels pretty cozy by the window, in the soft orange light, leaning towards his Love. Sander keeping him warm.

As he starts to stir, indicating he has to leave soon, Sander grabs his arm.

“Wait!”

“What is it, babe? I really have to go. I don’t want my Mama to wait up for me.”

“I made something,” Sander simply says, suddenly rummaging through his bag.

Robbe just looks at him, his face saying both “again?!” and “I adore you for everything you do for me.” Sander doesn’t notice though, as he finally finds what he was looking for and holds out an envelope for Robbe to take.

“Open it at home,” Sander tells him, barely hiding the mischievous smile appearing on his face. “Now, kom!” he says, as he grabs his things. “We don’t want to keep your Mama waiting.”

He is paying at the counter and out the door almost before Robbe realizes he is now holding a mysterious envelope and doesn’t know what to do with himself. Finally he grabs his stuff and follows his boyfriend out.

They can’t help but exchange a few kisses, anxious with approaching separation, next to the bike rack, even though they both know Sander will take Robbe home.

They pedal together in the light rain, Robbe glancing over at Sander regularly, slightly intrigued, but mostly just in love. Saying goodbye, this time for real, in front of Robbe’s building is the sweetest ache. As always. Robbe leaning against Sander’s taller body. Arms around his waist. Disappointed noises escaping his lips in spite of himself.

Finally, after painstakingly detaching himself from Sander, after going up the stairs, after taking off his wet coat and shoes in the hallway, after saying good night to his Mama, finally, Robbe lets himself fall on his bed. It’s 21:57 when he grabs the envelope from his bag and opens it.

Inside is a Canson sheet of paper, covered in broad strokes of soft beige/pink hues. Like a summer sunset on the sand, Robbe thinks. And apart from that, only the tiniest brown dots. Scattered random patterns, some in little clusters, others spaced out. A couple of slightly bigger, more crescent shapes. Like stars and moons, but why would they be brown? Robbe is trying to find a connection with “Space Oddity” maybe...

Finally he decides to take a shower and get into bed, waiting for Sander to get home so he can call him. As his phone rings, Robbe thinks the background color sort of looks like one of those Pantone color sets recreating skin color... and then Sander picks up.

“So?” he immediately asks.

“So what?”

“So do you get it?”

“Is it a Bowie reference?” Robbe tries. “Actually is it like a reference to your username? Like it’s space and the stars, but with earthy colors, so: earthling oddity?”

Sander seems to think about it.

“Excellent try, pupil,” he ends up saying. “But no.”

“What?!” Robbe thinks about it for a second. “Then, I don’t know, I guess. I give up. Tell me.”

Sander waits for a second, to build up the tension before his no-doubt dramatic reveal, Robbe thinks.

“It’s a map of you, my Love,” he finally declares.

“What?”

“I’ve been taking notes. This is a map of your skin. Or well, part of a map of your skin. I’d like to make one bigger, actually, because this isn’t everything.”

“How is this-”

“I drew sketches while you were asleep. I mapped out your skin. Every mark, every nuance, every skin perfection. This is the result. What do you think?”

“I love it,” Robbe answers in earnest. He already did before, now even more.

“And!” Sander continues, perhaps relieved now. “I’m the only one who can connect the dots.”

“Who can decipher it,” Robbe adds. “I love it,” he repeats.

Robbe doesn’t tell Sander right now - maybe someday - but he actually also loves that the work can be interpreted in 2 ways, that each of them offered an explanation, and that these 2 ways represent each of them, now merged into a single painting. He thinks of that as he falls asleep soon after saying “good night” to Sander.


	48. WEDNESDAY 16:44

Maybe right now Robbe is reaching out and letting his fingers run softly through Sander’s smooth, autumn brown hair. Maybe this gesture reminds him of the very first time he did it. When everything was new and so exhilarating and honestly hard to believe.

That first afternoon together in his bedroom. When he realized now he could just touch Sander, and seek his touch. He could kiss him if he wanted or let himself be kissed. He could snuggle up to him or wrap his arms around him or simply lie his head on Sander’s shoulder. He could breathe him in and tangle his fingers in the folds of his dark tee-shirt.

And he didn’t need a reason for any of it. Didn’t need a justification other than just wanting it, craving it, yearning for it, feeling like it. Because it would be beautiful to do it in the sunlight. Because Sander was - and is - irresistible. Because Robbe wanted - and still wants - to show him love. And because touch is the way he feels love.

Maybe right now Robbe is enjoying it, this gratuitous touch. How natural it feels, how Sander leans into it, letting his eyes close softly. How he never seems surprised by any caress, any stroke, and feather-like brush against his skin. How it’s almost like he’s expecting it. Like he wants it too.


	49. THURSDAY 18:44

Maybe right now Robbe is sitting on his bed close to Sander. There is a mess of books opened in front of them. He is cramming for biology, while Sander is reading up for an art history project.

But they’ve been at it for a couple of hours now, and Robbe needs a break. He would feel restless if he had more energy. But the gray light of day, the soft glow of his bedside and desk lamps, the warmth emanating from his boyfriend, all feel like they’ve slowly managed to lull him into liquid form. Not that it’s uncomfortable really. But he feels a bit shapeless. And so it’s almost gently, almost weakly, that he pushes his schoolbook aside.

Sander is frowning at his own library book a bit, in concentration, and doesn’t really pay attention to him. He doesn’t realize that Robbe is looking at him now, doesn’t understand what Robbe wants right now, in his own lazy haze, nudging at his sluggish bones. And what Robbe wants right now is an opening. What Robbe wants right now is skin.

“Give me your hand,” Robbe asks in a husky whisper.

Sander doesn’t turn to him, doesn’t even react really. Except for how he sets his left hand open on the bed close to Robbe, palm up. And if he is surprised that Robbe doesn’t take it, he doesn’t show it.

What happens next instead is that Robbe delicately grabs his wrist, and then proceeds to roll the sleeve of his long shirt slowly, managing to muster up a strength he didn’t know he had a few seconds before. He rolls the sleeve up and up, inelegantly, until it catches up with Sander’s teeshirt on top, and then keeps going a little still.

Once he’s reached a level that satisfies him, almost at Sander’s shoulder, he stops. And then nothing happens really. Nothing except he is leaning forward now, letting his face bump feebly against the soft, smooth, slightly tanned skin of Sander’s upper arm. Once there, he doesn’t say anything but simply sniffs a little, quietly. Breathing in tiny little puffs of air the smell of Sander, the faint soap and deodorant and I-don’t-know-what smell of him.

He closes his eyes and lets his forehead rest against Sander’s arm. And still Sander’s eyes remain focused on his book. His hand remains lying palm up on the bed, close to Robbe’s leg where he’d left it. The almost imperceptible rise and fall of his chest remains constant. There was a time when he’d been a bit surprised by Robbe’s tendency to find exposed patches of skin at random moments and to breathe them in tenderly, leaning fully against the softness of him. As a baby bird would, nipping feebly at you. Or a mouse, leaving unintentional feathery tickles all over your skin. Traces of shivers following. There was a time... But not anymore. Not in a long time. So Robbe is not surprised by his lack of reaction either.

It’s fine because Robbe doesn’t want anything more than exactly that. Sander doing his thing, but leaving a part of himself with Robbe, for Robbe, to do as he pleases. What he pleases is so delicate anyway. A barely-there reminder of the unspoken entanglement of their bodies, of their souls.

But after a minute or so, maybe after he finishes reading a page or a chapter, Sander finally casts a side glance at his boyfriend, before leaning back to detach himself from Robbe slightly, only better to reach behind him and pat his brown locks gently. Running his fingers through them quietly. At that, Robbe can’t help but let out a happy little purr, before tucking his face in Sander’s neck. Sniffing and breathing in there for a change. Eyelashes softly tickling Sander’s skin.

And maybe they stay in this new position for a while, as Sander continues reading, continues stroking Robbe’s head absentmindedly. As Robbe finds himself slowly turning back into liquid against him. Melting. All of him.


	50. SATURDAY 09:19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after Robbe went with Moyo and Kato to film their dance routine.

Maybe right now Robbe has been awake for a good 10 minutes. Maybe more. When he opened his eyes, he immediately started thinking about last night again and everything that had happened. Had he been alone he would have gotten up and made some coffee or gone for a walk to think. But instead he just instinctively snuggles up closer to Sander sleeping next to him.

His soft, naked skin is the perfect comfort. It seems to glow just barely in the shy autumn sun filtering through the window. Seeing it, touching it, feeling the warmth lazily radiating from it immediately makes Robbe feel better. And distracts him from his worries.

He thinks again about late last night, Sander waiting for him, how he immediately felt safe and home when he walked into the room where he was sitting, sketching. It could have been any room. As long as he was in it. How he listened to the whole story, and got angry - the now familiar frown not leaving his face for a moment. How his voice got low when he said “fuck her.” How incredible it felt to know - the absolute certainty - that if he ever run into trouble, Sander would be there to help him, support him, protect him if he could. That he would do the same.

But mostly how after all this disappeared from both their minds as their voices faded into whispers and their frowns melted under kisses. How they hugged and held each other tight to fall asleep.

Robbe, his mind more alert now, notices that something is stirring almost imperceptibly deep inside of him. He doesn’t acknowledge it right away though. What it means. Lets the feeling remain a pleasant ball of heat, that does nothing more than make his skin tingle against the colder air of the room.

In their relationship, Sander is often the one suggesting, offering, expressing his desire. So it sometimes surprises Robbe that he himself ever has to ask. Sander is usually way ahead of him! But today, maybe there is something about last night. Cuddling was amazing and all. Anything with Sander is perfect really. But now he wants more.

It’s fine though. And Robbe is happy to stay in bed very close to Sander and wait for him to wake up. Enjoying that he even gets to do that: loving him, wanting him, being with him. Breathing slowly, unbothered by the heat pooling inside of him, not yet ablaze, confident in the idea there is little chance anyway that Sander will refuse him once he is awake.

So when Sander stirs suddenly next to him, although he hasn’t even opened his eyes, Robbe can’t help but turn to face him. He gets immediately closer to him, taking this as his cue, almost crawling on top of him, better to whisper in Sander’s ear: “Sleep with me?”

“Mmmh...” is the only sound that escapes Sander’s lips after a few seconds. And it takes him another while to mumble “OK” and turn to his side to face Robbe, now delighted that his plan actually worked. Except instead of opening his eyes and starting to kiss or something, Sander, eyes still closed, simply passes an arm under Robbe’s neck and the other over his waist, and hugs him limply.

When his breathing slows down again and he appears to stop moving completely, Robbe decides to ask again. Maybe Sander misunderstood the first time. “I said: sleep with me?” Part of him gets a bit sad when he realizes how whiny his voice sounds. At that, Sander seems to sigh softly. “We are,” he assures, his voice muddled with sleep. “See? We’re sleeping together...”

Robbe rolls his eyes. “Not sleeping like that!” he protests softly. He starts trying to leave Sander’s embrace, but suddenly feels like he has very little strength for that task. And it makes Sander only hug him closer. Frustrated but almost immediately giving up on trying to escape, he can only let one last sad “Sander?” fall from his lips.

A particularly low “Mmmh...” is his only answer for a second. Before Sander goes on: “Come on, Love, we’ll do the other kind of sleeping later!” And Robbe knows if he was more awake Sander would chuckle. But instead he adds: “OK? Now just... don’t leave my arms...”

Robbe tries not to let out a disappointed sigh, but he eventually decides to readjust his position, hugging Sander back. Their entire front bodies basically touching now. Keeping them warm and cozy under the covers. “This is nice,” he finally admits.

“Mmmh...” is his only answer before they both revert back into complete motionlessness again. And he is surprised to find himself falling back asleep, lulled by Sander’s slow, content breathing. And he is too far gone to even consider complaining.


	51. FRIDAY 14:03

Maybe right now Yasmina asks:

“Have we all grown 10 years younger during lockdown that you all want to take naps all of a sudden?”

“Oh yeah... The couples suddenly want to ‘nap’ and you think they’re being childish...?” Luca doesn't even need the air quotes. The sarcasm in her voice and the smirk on her face do all the work. All in good fun of course.

Meanwhile in another room, the white linen curtains are drawn, only letting in the softest rays of the autumn afternoon sun. Robbe is in bed, adjusting his position against Sander’s bare chest. Everybody knows you don’t get under the covers with your clothes on. And who owns pajamas anyway? As long as Sander has Robbe, he knows he’ll never need them anyway. Because Robbe is all the warmth he needs. All the warmth in his world.

As he moves under the heavy duvet, Robbe turns to grab his phone on the night stand. When he moves back, impossibly closer to Sander, part of him - the whole of him - is happy he can hear Sander’s heartbeat. But he doesn’t say anything about it. Instead he starts looking for the Maps app on his phone and says:

“So there’s this pond/lake thing... not too far from here...”

And before Robbe can even imagine Sander reaction - because he knows, for sure he knows, what day today is - Sander gasps so intensely and leans back so far in shock that Robbe thinks he is going to fall off the bed. And part of him is really very sad that they are not touching anymore.

“What?” he asks, eyebrows raised worriedly.

“Hey! I was going to take you there. You ruined my surprise. You ruined everything!” Sander declares with all the drama he can muster.

“But why should you always be the one with the ideas and the romance?”

“Because!” And then silence.

“Can’t I be the Sander of this relationship sometimes?” Robbe asks, doe eyes becoming puppy eyes, trying to get back into Sander’s arms again.

“No!” Sander protests firmly. “You’re the Robbe! You’re perfect! Just as you are!” He pauses before adding in an almost whisper while finally - finally! - wrapping Robbe again in all of himself: “And I want to do all the things for you...”

“Ok...” Robbe agrees, perhaps not entirely convinced, but still settling in more comfortably against the warmth of Sander’s soft skin.

After a minute or 2 though, he eventually asks “But we’ll still go, right?”

“Of course, we’ll go!” Sander answers with the determined and certain tone he always takes when talking about them. Robbe can almost feel him shrug with the obviousness of it all. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” he adds, burying his face in Robbe’s brown curls.

“It’s our anniversary,” Robbe announces out loud with a baby smile, to no one in particular, to the sun, and the breeze, and the green green grass outside, and their clothes taken off quickly and now crumpled on a chair, to himself, relishing the words. And the thought.

“One of many...” Sander adds fondly. Thinking of all those to come. This year, and the next, and the one after, and after, and after, and after...


	52. SUNDAY 18:42

Maybe right now Robbe is back home. In the chiaroscuro of his bedroom, in the setting autumn sun. Sat on his bed, wondering what to do with himself now.

He’s seen his Mama already and he was glad to see her. Her smile warmed his heart before he even really had time to feel lonely with the absence of Him. She seems to have done perfectly fine without him, which is a relief.

Now what? He plays with his angel pendant absent-mindedly trying to think of everything but Him. Unpacking? Homework? Shower? Cooking? But the last time he did all those things was with Him. He sighs.

He feels hyper aware of everything. The changing light outside, and the mess on his desk, and his Mama’s footsteps out the door. Hyper sensitive. He doesn’t want to think about it.

It’s just this month, you see. He just wants Him here all the time. For the good reasons and the bad reasons. The joy and the doubts. They do have much to celebrate. But also it just feels cold in his room right now. And this year that never seems to end... and the next that probably won’t be any better. What future do they even have? His friends, Him, himself?

He shivers slightly, even though he’s still wearing his coat. He knows he should move. But he feels glued to the edge of the bed. Nothing feels right. Nothing makes sense. What now?

Last year he’d have stayed exactly where he is for days. Leaving only if he’d been able to come up with a temporary solution to numb this creeping feeling, slowly pressing around the whole of him, octopus arms suffocating him, thick black ink spreading in his every thought, in his throat.

But not this year. Before he can’t breathe at all, he reaches for his phone, and his last coherent thought is Him.

“Robin!” He sounds affectionately reproachful when He answers. As if He thought it was too soon to call, but also couldn’t possibly be mad at him for that.

And when Robbe sees Him, when he opens his mouth to speak, nothing comes out but a strangled sob.

“Oh Robin...” Sander lets out in a whisper.


	53. TUESDAY 19:27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the anniversary of the first talk with guru Milan!

Maybe right now Robbe is in his bedroom, working on something for school, trying not to think about something, when his phone rings, and it’s Milan.

“Hi, Milan.”

“Hey there, roomie! I’m just calling to catch up. I got Zoe’s version of the trip. Now I’m ready for yours! How are you?”

Robbe sighs.

“I’m okay,” he eventually says.

Milan stays quiet for a second.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he ends up asking, kindly.

Robbe sighs again, but this time only because of how Milan can see right through him once again. It takes him a minute to gather his thoughts and the courage to face them, to speak them.

“It’s about Sander...”

“How is he doing?” Milan immediately asks, his tone suddenly grave.

“He’s fine. It’s not that... it’s me actually, I’m...”

But finishing that sentence is hard still. And Milan gives him a second before asking: “Are you okay?”

“Yes!” Robbe answers, sounding angrier than he meant to, annoyed at himself for not being able to get this out. “Sorry...”

“It’s okay, Robbe. What is it?”

Robbe sighs again.

“I’m scared - I think I’m not a very good boyfriend...” he finally admits, almost in a whisper.

“Oh, Robbe...”

“How can I be a good boyfriend? Not good, the best. I want to be that for him, but I’m not doing a very good job of it...”

“What makes you say that?”

“There’s just so much in my life. At the end of last year, I felt like everything was finally sorted out and my life was less of a mess. But the truth is nothing much has changed: I’m still drowning in school work most of the time, I still have to be there for and sometimes take care of my Mama, with my Dad it comes and goes. And on top of that, I feel like I’m stressed all the time. The pandemic is like this thing hanging over my mind constantly,” he enumerates. “Sometimes I don’t sleep so good,” he confesses in a small voice.

“Robbe, I feel like everything you’re saying is perfectly normal. Everybody’s life is a mess. That’s just how it is. Especially right now! It’s completely okay to feel all those things. That doesn’t make you a bad boyfriend,” Milan reassures him in his gentlest voice.

“But-”

“Has Sander said anything or implied anything?”

“No...”

“Of course, not! Because I’m sure you’re doing your best, and that is already enough!”

“But how do I know it’s enough?”

“Robbe, you know it’s enough because you know Sander wouldn’t want anything from you that you couldn’t give him right now. Don’t you trust him with that?”

“I do... But he deserves everything... So what if I want to do more?”

“You don’t need to do more. Aren’t you already giving him your time and your love and support? Your trust?”

“Yes, but-”

“Robbe, I think that is what being a good boyfriend is. Everybody is different and everybody needs different things. But I think that’s why it works so well between the 2 of you: because you each give the other what he needs, love him the way he needs to be loved. Would you want more than that from Sander?”

Robbe sighs, but it sounds more like relief now.

“No.”

“Then you have your answer.”

Robbe doesn’t say anything for a while.

“Although I do think you should definitely talk about all of this with Sander directly. Your worries about your relationship, and about everything else. I’m sure it would do you good.”

Robbe smiles a small smile.

“Thanks, Milan.”

“I think you mean: thanks, guru.”

Robbe chuckles.

“Thank you,” he says again, before hanging up.


	54. THURSDAY 18:01

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was for the Dinsdag 16:31 anniversary.

Maybe right now Robbe is glad he asked to meet Sander directly at his place instead of in front of his school or something, because as soon as Sander opens his front door Robbe drops everything he was carrying to the floor and falls into him, against him, burying his face in him, his shirt, his smell. Eyes closed, not a word.

Maybe they haven’t seen each other since Sunday after a whole week together and it feels like forever. Maybe everything’s been too much recently and adding worries about his own role as a boyfriend on top of everything has been hard to handle, even though his conversation with Milan the other day made him feel better. He needs comfort. And he finds it immediately in Sander’s embrace, in everything he doesn’t say, right there halfway in the hallway, door open, eyes closed.

“Hey...” Sander finally breaks the silence after a couple of minutes. “It’s okay. I’m right -”

He stops when he sees what Robbe dropped on the floor: his bag and -

“Is this for me?” he asks, and Robbe can almost hear him smile.

He nods against Sander’s chest, before finally saying very quickly in one breath and an almost trembling voice:

“They’re flowers made out of printed-out Bowie lyrics I found them on the internet it’s our anniversary again do you think I’m not a good boyfriend?”

“Robbe!” Sander sounds as if Robbe had just said the most offensive thing possible. So much so that he takes a step back and his fingers away from Robbe's hair. Robbe loses the comfort of the warmth of him with a wince.

Sander looks at him for a second, hands on his shoulders.

“Pick up your stuff, let’s go to my room,” he finally tells him quietly.

“But -”

“Come!” Sander tells him halfway to his room already.

Robbe limply picks up his things and closes the front door, before slowly following Sander to his room and once there dropping everything to the floor again. Bag and coat and paper flowers. Sander is sitting on the edge of his bed.

“Come here!” he tells Robbe, patting the space next to him.

Robbe comes and sits down. Sander looks at him and there’s concern all over his face. He cups Robbe’s face with his right hand softly.

“How long have you been worrying about this?”

Robbe lowers his head, not looking Sander in the eye.

“A while...”

“Robbe!” This time it sounds more pained and less offended. “You should have talked to me as soon as it started.”

“Sorry...”

“Don’t apologize!” Sander can’t help rolling his eyes, exasperated in the most loving way. “Robbe, you have nothing to worry about, okay?”

Sander tries raising Robbe’s face to look at him.

“You hear me? You’re more than anything I could have imagined. And even when you worry about other things, I know you’re here for me. I have never been more certain of anything.” He pauses. “And I never knew I could be loved like this. So perfectly,” he adds in a whisper.

“But," Robbe raises his head and looks at him with big anxious eyes, and his voice is clearer now, "right now I feel like I spend most of my time thinking about other things and that when we’re together you’re just listening to me worry. And I don’t want that!" He shakes his head, shoulders slumped in defeat. "I do it anyway but I don’t want that...”

“What do you mean?”

“I want more - to give you more!”

“Robbe, that's impossible!" Sander answers. "You know, maybe it’s just that you want to work on yourself about worrying less, about being more positive or something. I don’t know. Maybe this is more about you than it is about me... I’ll support you whatever you want to try or do or I don’t know. I'll love you through everything. As for me, there is nothing more I could want. You have given me a future together and that’s all I wish for.”

Robbe sighs.

“Okay..." he finally lets out, sounding exhausted suddenly. "Okay, I’ll think about it...”

“That’s my boy,” Sander says, finally relaxing into a soft smile, running his fingers through Robbe's hair gently, ready to turn the page on that.

“Wait!" Robbe stops him. "Are you sure?” he asks again in the smallest voice.

Now it’s Sander’s turn to sigh, but his voice is patient and kind, when he reassures him again:

“Yes, my Love, I am sure. 100% voor altijd in elk universum." He pauses. "This couldn’t be any more perfect.”

At that Robbe can’t help but smile, for what seems like the first time in days. Because Sander's right. It really is perfect. He was worried about what their relationship felt like from Sander's point of view, but he never doubted his own feelings or his happiness, even for a second. Sander has been amazing through it all, no question. So he finally breathes deep. He brings his hand to cover Sander’s on his cheek and finally looks at him. He'd almost forgotten how warm his meadow eyes could look when they looked back at him.

They stay like that for a second or 2. Before Sander asks:

“Can we make out now? As you said, it’s our anniversary.”

Robbe looks him in the eye this time when he answers:

“Yes, please.”

***

Maybe later Sander will leave the bed to pick up the paper flowers.

“Let me put these away so you don’t drop them carelessly on the floor again.”

He empties a glass jar full of pens from his desk and places the flower there, by the window.

“I’ll cherish them forever,” he declares, before going back to the bed, and to Robbe. “My Love.”


	55. FRIDAY 20:02

Maybe right now Robbe tells Sander:

“I think my favorite thing is when our faces are very close, but not touching. Just almost.”

Sander who is lying down raises himself on one elbow.

“You prefer almost kissing me to kissing me?” he asks, eyebrows raised in shock, and Robbe can see on his face that he is ready to get offended. But he (Robbe) keeps his cool.

“Yes,” he confirms. “You know why?”

“Why?” Sander asks now with the look of confusion, almost bordering on disgust that he sometimes does.

“Because that moment always means that we just kissed and/or we’re about to kiss again.”

“Okay...” Sander doesn’t seemed convinced yet, but Robbe remains very calm as he continues.

“It’s the best kind of in-between! The high from before, and/or the promise of more,” he explains, his enthusiasm not dampened by Sander’s perplexity. “I want to live in that in-between forever. That space and time,” he adds, his voice breaking a little.

He can’t help but chew a little on his lower lip just thinking about it, sat cross-legged on his bed in the early fall evening.

“Okay...” Sander says again before suddenly sitting all the way up and getting all up in Robbe’s space, faces almost touching. Just hovering a little slightly above him. “Like that?” he asks in a whisper.

“Yeah...” Robbe whispers back, and he knows his breath touched Sander’s face, and his skin is very close, and his eyes are very dark, and his lips are very red.

And they let the moment last and last, savoring the possibilities it opened, relishing the tension, working to keep the rising giddiness under control, suddenly aware of the rise and fall of their chest, the warmth from their bodies, the tingle of their skin at the very idea of

touching.


	56. SUNDAY 21:21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1-year anniversary evening.

Maybe right Robbe walks into Sander’s room and everything is quiet. He heads to the bed slowly and the only light - filtering through the window - is blue. Neon signs and tv screens outside. Sander is right behind him and before Robbe can even touch the bed Sander places a hand on his back.

Shivers. Through and through.

Sander places a kiss on the back of his neck and Robbe melts. Sander holds him, hands on his chest, lips on his back over his tee-shirt. Robbe leans into his every touch. The world fades away into silence. Robbe lets himself be hugged. And adored. And soon he ceases to exist, his skin only lighting up in tingles everywhere it is touched.

Electricity. Coursing through his veins.

He turns around after a while. He takes off Sander's hoodie without really looking. And Sander never stops kissing. Robbe then on his tippy-toes wraps his arms around Sander neck. Burying his face in its crook. And Sander holds him tight. And his feet stop touching the floor. Sander carries him away from the bed and sits him on the desk against the wall. Better to kiss his neck. The outline of his jaw. His lips, finally.

Finally.

Soon Robbe wraps his arms around Sander’s neck once more. A silent request. And Sander lifts him up once more and backs away from the desk, taking his time, Robbe kissing his face - cheeks and nose and eyelids - fingers wrapped in his hair, feet hovering above the ground. And Sander sits on the edge of the bed, Robbe standing very close to him.

Not close enough.

Sander’s lips are on Robbe’s chest now and the fact that they are over his tee-shirt makes it 100 times - ugh. Sander’s hands slowly finding their way around him under the fabric above his underwear on the small of his back. Making their way up. Can he feel the fire underneath the skin? Every brush of his lips fueling the flames. Robbe kisses his head, his hair, his forehead. Breathes him in. Leans forward, better to kiss his neck and jaw and chest.

Now more.

Slowly Sander turns him around and lies him on the bed. He takes off his tee-shirt then and when he leans back down, Robbe looks up at him and finds he is out of breath. From doing nothing at all. From the blue light and the quiet and Sander. His eyes in the blue light and the quiet right above him. And Sander kisses his and they keep their eyes open until the last minute when their lips touch.

The night will be familiar and trusting and tender. And new and exciting and perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI this was inspired by the TharnType special episode. That drama may or may not have ruined me forever.


	57. SUNDAY 23:43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 20/12/2020

Maybe right now Robbe sees his phone light up on his desk from the corner of his eye. Maybe he put it on silent because he didn’t want to be disturb. Maybe he can’t resist when he sees Sander’s name on the screen. He picks up.

“Hey, Babe.”

“Good evening, Robin.”

Robbe can almost hear him smirking through his phone.

“I’m glad you’re still up,” Sander goes on. 

“Are you alright?” Robbe asks, calmly but wondering if he should be worried.

“Yeah, I was just working on your Christmas gift...”

“Oh?”

“I’m not telling you anything,” Sander immediately declares.

“Wha- ?!” Robbe’s mood goes from intrigued to offended in a matter of seconds. “Then why would you tell me about it?!”

“I just wanted to let you know,” Sander lets the sentence hang in the air for a second, no doubt savoring it, “that you’ll never going to beat me this year.”

Robbe scoffs loudly.

“Is that so?”

“Mmhmm,” Sander confirms.

Robbe takes a second to think about where to take this next.

“Well, we’ll see about that...” he ends up answering, his voice low. A half, confident whisper.

“I guess we will,” Sander keeps his tone very serious, but Robbe can hear him chuckling softly at the end.

Robbe isn’t sure what he could say now, so they stay quiet for a moment. But they don’t hang up. Not yet.

“What are you up to, right now?” Sander finally asks, bringing Robbe back down to his bedroom and what he was doing from thoughts of Christmas and Sander.

“Oh,” Robbe finds himself buying time and - looking at his computer screen, tries to come up with the fastest lie in history. Which turns out to be the truth. “Just editing a video,” he says trying to sound casual.

“Oh yeah? Another one of Moyo’s projects?” 

“No, not really...”

“Oh, ok...?”

“I’m not sure what it is yet, but I’ll show you when it’s finished.”  
“I’d love that,” Sander answers, and his voice is warm like milk tea.

“I love you,” Robbe says. Because it’s true.

“I love you, too. I’ll talk to you later.”

“San, are you going to bed now?”

“Yeah...”

“Sweet dreams,” Robbe tells him.

“Only of you,” Sander immediately replies.

Robbe smiles as he sets his phone back down on his desk and turns his attention back to his computer. On the screen there is a short clip of his hand holding Sander’s as they walk in the street, and when he moves his mouse it shows another clip this time of Sander looking terrified on a skateboard. Robbe chuckles as he closes every window and prepares to go to sleep.


	58. THURSDAY 18:42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clandestine meeting

Maybe right now it’s been a while. And how has it been so long? And the stress of never knowing if you’ll be able to go to school tomorrow or to go grocery shopping after dark - or next week or next month. Schooldays aren’t schooldays anymore. And weekends aren’t weekends either.

It’s all a blur, himself dissolving in forever outstretched time, like overchewed gum. And Robbe doesn’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing really. Maybe if it’s a blur now it’ll be a blur in his memory, and that’s good, right? Although it’s hard to believe that this will ever end. And maybe if it’s a blur he can just exist with Sander in a bubble outside of time, outside of geographical confines and earthly concerns. And tomorrow won’t matter because it won’t exist. Only now. And Him.

And so that’s where Robbe is. Right now. Right here. And it feels like it’s been forever but maybe it’s just been days, or hours, or has it been weeks? The thought fades away - fumée déjà oubliée - as his eyes find Sander’s on the other side of the skate park. Infinitely beautiful underlined by a black mask. Even in the dark, even in the cold. And Sander stops in his tracks. And he’s probably smiling.

And it only takes a second for Robbe to start running. Like it’s the first time, like it’s the last time, like it’s really been forever. And the air is cold on his cheeks despite his mask, and his hair gets into his eyes, and the world falls completely silent, and yet he feels free right now. He feels love.

And as he gets closer he doesn’t stop, doesn’t slow down. Instead he hops into Sander’s open arms, crashes into him, holds on. He wraps his arms, his legs, the whole of him around Sander’s neck, his waist, the whole of Him. With a giggle and a sigh of relief. Because the crook of His neck is warm and home.

And Sander never drops him. He carries him. And He doesn’t leave it at that. No, He spins and spins, with His arms around Robbe. And Robbe lets go. He lets go of Sander’s neck closes his eyes open his arms wide. And they just spin.


	59. TUESDAY 16:16

Maybe right now “I’m running my fingers through your hair... And you can feel my breath on your neck. You’re getting goosebumps...”

It’s a text from Sander. Since the beginning of all this, when they can’t see each other, Sander will send him texts describing what he’d do, if he was with him right now. And Robbe always stops in his tracks. Some make him melt, some make him flush, some make him shiver, some make his throat tighten.

Sometimes it’s “Right now I’m wrapping my arms around your waist and holding you so so tight.” Other times it’s “Right now I’m slipping a hand underneath your tee-shirt and you can feel my tongue against your skin.”

Sometimes Robbe will answer a 😘 , other times he’ll leave everything and anything he might have been doing aside and get to his bed in a panic as he calls Sander for more. Heart pounding, fire at the core of him.

Everytime it’s devastating, in a perfect or heartbreaking way if they really cannot see each other just yet. Also because with practice Sander has developed an ability to know exactly what to say and when. When to comfort, when to be cute, when to tease. Like he’s reading Robbe’s mind.


	60. SUNDAY 9:57

Maybe right now Sander is starting to stir softly in bed, under the comforting weight of the duvet and the even-more comforting weight of his boyfriend. His bare chest rises and falls faster as he awakes. He blinks a few times and yawns. He turns his head to take a look out the window. Once again, the sky is depressingly gray and cloudy. Today it will rain for sure. If it snowed at least, that would be okay. But rain? The light is horrible in the rain. Everything becomes the same blurry color.

It’s only then he realizes that, while he has made no effort to move whatsoever, Robbe - his head on Sander’s chest - is actually very much awake too and tracing soft patterns somewhere on his belly. At that realization, Sander tries to locate his various limbs under the covers, having forgotten their existence once they started serving as Robbe’s mattress and pillow last night. Once he regains movement in his right arm, his shoulder partly stuck under his boyfriend, he moves his fingers first a bit, and then brings his entire arm closer to himself, better to hug Robbe's small body with it. Limbs can be useful like that.

Without saying a word, Robbe immediately snuggles into Sander’s new embrace, and can’t help the tiniest noise escaping his lips when Sander takes that opportunity to leave a small kiss in his soft soft curls. Settled like that, Sander looks up at the ceiling and takes comfort in the thought that the sky may be gray right now, but he has all the sun he needs right here with him. He hesitates sharing that thought, but finally chooses something else to break the silence:

“How long have you been awake?”

Before answering, Robbe leaves a kiss wherever his mouth falls on Sander’s chest and Sander shivers a little.

“Long? Not long? I don’t remember.”

Sander smiles to himself.

“What were you thinking about?” he then asks.

“Nothing...” Robbe first answers. “I was just thinking,” he starts again, “maybe I’ve been awake for a while...” He pauses. “I was just thinking how I can’t wait.”

“For what?”

“For 6 years from now, 7 years from now...”

“Why 6 or 7?”

“You know... When we’ll both have jobs. And our lives will be a little boring. And we’ll sleep in pajamas and have sex like once a week on weekends.”

At that, Sander has to interrupt:

“That’ll never happen.”

Robbe chuckles.

“I’m saying I wouldn’t mind if it does. One day. Maybe in more than 7 years... Maybe like 10 or 15.”

“I disagree with that vision of the future,” Sander announces, pouting. But Robbe ignores him.

“Our place...” he continues as if in a daze, as if really picturing it. “Coming home stressed after work to our apartment and the very sight of you in our living room is already helping...”

Ok. Sander is starting to warm up finally to that vision of the future.

“And I’ll cook for you everyday...” he suggests.

“Or else I’ll probably starve...” Robbe concedes with a smirk, more to himself than to Sander. “And we’ll go on vacation and see the world sometimes. And then come home.”

“Ok... what else?”

“We’ll go out with our friends and then make love in our bed in our room in our home -”

“Now that’s more like it!”

“- and then, like the adults we’ll be, we'll shower and put on our pajamas before going to sleep,” Robbe adds with a smile that is part mischievous and part fond.

“Robin, you’ve got to stop with the pajamas.”

“What?! Nice, warm pajamas. Maybe they’ll match!”

Sander takes a second to answer.

“Actually, yes, that sounds really nice...” he finally admits. “But I could never wear them when I’m with you. Not when I can have your skin on mine like right now.” He presses Robbe impossible closer to himself.

“Ok. We’ll have to see then where you stand on pajamas. What about the rest?”

“And the having sex once a week! What’s up with that?!” The very thought of it feels outrageous, but suddenly Sander worries. “Do you... want to have less sex? Do you not like it? I-”

Robbe interrupts him before he can go down that particular spiral.

“No, San, it’s not that! I’m happy as we are now. And I love you. And I love...” he blushes at that. “I love sex with you. It’s not about that.” Sander feels a little reassured. “It’s about how one day we’ll be old and tired and stressed and boring and we’ll still be together. And our lives will be great and ordinary and we’ll still be together. And I can’t wait. For all those moments, those phases of our lives. I can’t wait to be with you for everything that comes next.”

At that Sander, who hadn’t realized he had suddenly become tense, lets out a long and relieved breath. Because of course. All of the above. And he is glad they are at a point in their relationship and in their personal growth where they have been able to move past living minute per minute. Where Robbe has managed to convince him that it isn’t so scary, thinking about the future. Although they would have to talk more about the pjs and the sex and the boring, because Sander just can’t accept it as Robbe depicted it.

“What? It’s not that bad!” Robbe insists as if he’s heard Sander’s thoughts. And now it’s his turn to pout in the face of such skepticism. “Besides, there’ll always be the wedding to look forward to then,” he adds, in a tone that’s final. That couldn’t bear criticism.

And at that, Sander dies a little.


	61. THURSDAY 16:16

Maybe right now Sander is leaning against the window sill. Just leaning. Casual. Leaning and rolling a cigarette. He’s been mostly good at not smoking joints - encouraged and followed by Robbe - for over a year now. But once in a while he’ll roll a cigarette. To think. To breathe. To do something. So there he is, rolling. Minding his own business. And then. Licking. Minding his own business.

And Robbe from the other side of the room starts shaking his head but ends up just holding his breath. And it’s like every place Sander’s tongue has touched on his body in the past 14 months flares up at the same time and every single feeling these memories bring back get caught up in Robbe’s throat all at once. Like that time. That time forever ago in that random kitchen, when the boy in the white white hair sat on the counter - casual - and very slowly licked the length of the rolling paper - minding his own business - and Robbe was surprised even at that moment that he did not simply implode right then and there. In the autumn light of the tiny kitchen on that morning that had started out so sad and so cold and so lonely and hopeless before it had been lit up by Sander, the fire in him.

It was like part of Robbe knew already then - perhaps all of him knew - everything that would happen next - the looks, the laughs, the skin, the looks, the kisses, so many of them, the smiles, the feels, the - body. All that was to come came bubbling up inside of him in that instant. The future colliding with the present of him. A future he didn’t know yet he was ready for.

And part of Robbe knew that day in the cold light of that tiny, random kitchen, seeing Sander stick out his tongue and letting it trace the paper lazily, that he was COMPLETELY gone for him. Just before, in the supermarket, it hadn’t taken long for him to want Sander’s mind. Want to know more and listen more. Be let into the maze of him. But in the kitchen, at that instant, he wanted his body too. And that was it. That was the moment.

And Robbe knows that Sander knows that he knows. That was the moment. Sander was minding his own business alright, but 1/ he knew exactly what he was doing; 2/ he didn’t need to look to feel the yearning literally radiating from Robbe’s body. Although it was probably a little more hope than certainty at that point. Which is why Robbe is dying a little right now, at his boyfriend casually leaning and casually licking. And also why he hates him so much right now. Although or because they’ve never had that conversation, right?

They’ve never had it because Robbe knows exactly how it would go:

 **Sander, innocent:** what are you thinking about right now?

 **Robbe, playing coy:** just the moment when I truly fell for you.

 **Sander, apparently taking the bait:** oh yeah, and what moment was that?

 **Robbe, still believing he can have the control of this conversation:** why don’t you guess?

 **Sander, not playing anymore:** oh I don’t need to.

 **Robbe, starting to sweat:** why is that?

 **Sander, smirking:** because at that moment you were exactly where I wanted you to be. Signed. Sealed. He pauses. And looks. Delivered.

(Even though what Robbe forgets is that, that is not true at all: he wasn’t where Sander wanted him to be, because where Sander wanted him to be at that particular instant was much much closer to him, and alone, and both of them with no strings attached. But mostly much closer to him. He wanted that part so bad he was willing to be flexible on the rest. But he won’t be the one to remind Robbe that, of course. That he was as gone for him as Robbe was. Probably more actually. And had been for longer. And was much more acutely aware of it too at that point.)

 **Robbe, trying to hold on to what’s left of his dignity:** fuck you. And failing.  
Sander, never going easy on anyone: rolling a joint was just me...

 **Robbe, seeing an opening:** checking? Making sure?

 **Sander, unconcerned:** oh, no, there was no need for that. It was just me - looking at you - wrapping yourself around my finger. More smirking.  
Robbe, knowing he’s lost but trying to be offended anyway: Wha-??!!

 **Sander, applying salt to wound, his voice so clear it’s almost a whisper:** Eating off the palm of my fucking hand, my Love.

And Robbe knows there are no losers in this game of love, but he also knows very well he’d never hear the end of it. So no. They’ve never had that particular conversation. Robbe never returned Sander’s declaration of when he first fell for him. Because unlike Sander, he is quite sure that wouldn’t give him the upper hand in that very serious game they’re playing together.

So here he is. 14 months later. Or is it 15? Trying not to die - of want and of some embarrassment at being in that position still / again. The story repeating itself: Sander being everything, and Robbe being - in absolute love (and a little hate right at that moment, but mostly love).


	62. SUNDAY 21:47

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valentine's Day 2021

Maybe right now Sander’s hand is absentmindedly stroking and combing Robbe’s hair, half-lying on that ridiculous velvet purple couch. A friend’s who was spending the night with his girlfriend and lent him his apartment. And they thought it was funny, the photos, the cliché. Thinking maybe that’ll be them someday. The boring apartment and the expensive flowers and the most ordinary Valentine’s scene. Maybe someday.

But the truth is tonight they couldn’t really find anything usable in the kitchen, no utensils, no pots or pans or even plates, so they ended up eating raw carrots and cup ramens, sat on the kitchen table. And he forgot his speaker so they only had the crappy sound on his phone playing Robbe’s Bowie Adjacent playlist while they ate. Even though Robbe had planned a whole meal and they hoped they could do something special.

But the truth is they laughed. And Sander teased Robbe on his Ramen-eating skills. And they talked about their days and about their lives and about themselves. And Sander tried to slow-dance with Robbe as he put the remains of their dinner away, hugging him from behind, swaying to the music.

And the truth is right now Sander’s tablet is plugged to his friend’s projector and they’re watching Labyrinth on the white white wall of the living room. And it’s a bit cold so Sander is glad to have Robbe half-lying on top of him, keeping him warm. He’s glad Robbe didn’t ask for more, although he still wishes he could have given it to him. More than a crappy place and a crappy dinner and an excellent film but probably not Robbe’s first choice, more than this crap year. He shuts down this particular train of thoughts as quickly as he can. He’s glad Robbe is here, keeping him warm.

And the truth is later maybe they’ll go for a clandestine walk and Robbe will snuck a freezing hand in the pocket of Sander’s jacket pocket and it’ll make Sander blush a little. Although Robbe won’t see it.

And the truth is then they’ll come home and Sander will be relieved to have brought his own sheets when hugging Robbe’s perfect body on the bed, when making soft love to him.


End file.
